


Though Lovers Be Lost Love Shall Not

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, F/M, Friendship, Romance, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-18
Updated: 2011-10-18
Packaged: 2017-10-24 17:48:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/266201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A part of Hotch never wanted the morning to come.  So many lives would never be the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Though Lovers Be Lost Love Shall Not

**Author's Note:**

> This story is AU, but the first few paragraphs give that away. The title comes from the Dylan Thomas poem, And Death Shall Have No Dominion. I used that poem to start their love affair, so I used it to end it as well. Endless thanks to my betas calleigh_j and innerslytherin, I couldn’t have done it without you. Extra special thanks to twinsfan33 for the amazing art and reminding me that people can come through in a crunch.

Two Maryland state troopers stepped off the elevator and into the bullpen. A few agents stopped what they were doing but no one said anything as they made their way to a desk.

“Excuse me, Agent Emily Prentiss.”

“Yes?” Emily looked up from her paperwork.

Hotch stopped his conversation, stepping closer to the situation but still outside of the parameter.

“Ma'am, I am Lieutenant Daniels, this is Commander Cordell. May we speak with you somewhere privately please?”

“If you’re here to solicit the help of the BAU, you have to speak with SSA Jareau. Her office is…”

“Ma'am,” the commander cut her off. “We need to speak to you and we should do it privately.”

“What's going on?” Hotch walked over. “I'm Acting Section Chief Aaron Hotchner.”

“This is a personal matter, sir. Agent Prentiss, please, somewhere private.”

Emily stood, nodding. Hotch sensed something was wrong.

“I'm going with you.” He looked at the state troopers. “It’s not a question or a request. We can use my office.”

The four of them went up to the office and closed the door. Agents on the floor, including the rest of the team, were left to wonder what was going on.

“What can I do for you?” Emily asked. She leaned a bit on Hotch’s desk but he stood ramrod straight beside her. All the better to take the blow he sensed was coming.

“There was an accident tonight on Peachtree Grove, near Washington Lane.”

“My parents live…oh my God, are my parents alright? Were my parents in an accident?”

“No ma'am.” Lieutenant Daniels shook his head. “There is no good way to tell you this. Your husband was killed this evening.”

Hotch looked at her, watching Emily’s face turn from abject fear to relief.

“There must be a mistake; I am not married. I'm sorry you…”

“Jason Gideon is dead.” The trooper turned blunt. “There was a one-car accident on Peachtree Grove. We believe his car hit a patch of black ice, skidded out of control, and then crashed. We are very sorry for your loss, ma'am.”

“He’s not my husband,” Emily replied, shaking her head. “I mean, we’re together but he’s…we’re…he said…”

“I’m very sorry, Agent Prentiss.”

“My girls? Were my girls…?”

“Agent Gideon was in the car alone.” Commander Cordell replied.

“And he…”

They waited for Emily to finish but she did not. She just walked over to the large window, looking out on another winter evening. Groundhog’s Day was in 2 weeks but it didn’t matter what Phil saw. This winter would never end. Hotch stepped in.

“What happens now?” he asked.

“There are no signs of foul play sir, so the M.E….”

“Don’t you touch his body!” Emily exclaimed, turning to them. “You will not tear his body apart; we have to properly prepare him for his funeral.”

“Yes ma'am, I understand.”

“You will give his body back to me.”

“Yes ma'am.” Lieutenant Daniels nodded. “We’ll make sure that happens immediately.”

The troopers left a few minutes later. For a while, Hotch stood there just looking at Emily. So much was going through his mind. He needed to get it together; knew she needed his wits intact. Emily grabbed a pair of sharp scissors from his desk. When she came toward him, Hotch held up his hands in defense.

“Prentiss…”

“Its tradition, I have to keep tradition.” Pushing his hands aside, Emily grabbed his necktie and cut it. “Blessed are you, Lord, our God, King of the Universe, the true judge.” She whispered in Hebrew. “Holy Mary, mother of God,” she went on in English. “Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our deaths. Amen.”

Hotch took her hands and slid the scissors away. Her hands were trembling; her whole body trembled. He wanted to hold her in his arms, assure her that things would be alright, but how could he?

“I have to tell the girls that their daddy is dead. How do I do that, Hotch? I have to get his body and try to bury it right. No, no.” Emily shook her head. “Jason wanted to be cremated…he knew it was against tradition but he wanted it anyway. Its not as if we were orthodox but the culture, his culture is so important to him. So we prepare traditionally but he wanted to be cremated. There is not enough time, I have to go home, I have to find things and tell people and…”

“You can't drive right now,” Hotch replied. There was no way he was letting her leave alone.

“I have to get to Fin and Emma; I have to see my girls.”

“We will go together. OK?”

“Yeah.”

Emily nodded. Hotch went around his desk, writing a note on a piece of legal paper and tearing it off. He took gentle hold of her arm and they walked out of the office. She stood there in the middle of the bullpen while Hotch grabbed her coat and purse…he didn’t even remember to take his own.

“Hotch…” Derek knew something was very wrong.

He slipped Derek the note as they walked to the elevator. Acting BAU Unit Chief Derek Morgan looked after them for a moment before opening the note. ‘ _Jason is dead, I will know more soon_ ’.

“Damn,” Derek muttered, turning to look at Reid, who was looking back at him.

“What's wrong?” he asked. “Is Emily alright?”

***

The ride was slow, long, and silent. Hotch fought his urge to step on the gas…if there was black ice around he needed to be careful. He did not want to take Washington Lane, which would have gotten him there in half the time. Who even knew if the accident was properly cleared away? The silence was driving him crazy but nothing in his CD player would make him forget the words ‘Jason Gideon is dead.’

Watching Emily’s face go from fear to relief to horror all while barely showing emotion…it would never leave Hotch’s subconscious. He would never forget the look on her face when she came at him with those scissors and said that prayer. The way she asked how she would tell her daughters. Lavinia Elizabeth, lovingly called Fin, was going to be nine this year and Emma Claire eight; Hotch wasn’t sure how to make them understand this. All he knew was that he had to do his best.

His Chevy Silverado pulled into the Prentiss driveway. The front door was open so he knew Gregory got his text message. He hated having to tell him that way but they needed to be prepared.

“Wait.” Emily gripped his arm as Hotch cut the ignition and went to open the driver’s side door.

“Emily…” he put his hand over hers. She gripped hard but he hardly felt it.

“I don't know…”

“We’re going to do this together and we’ll get through it. I promise.”

She looked deep into his hazel eyes. She searched for anything resembling doubt and saw nothing of the sort.

“I don’t know if I am strong enough.” Emily whispered.

“Yes you are. It’s alright if you don’t feel that way right now. Lots of people are going to make this time bearable. Come on.”

They both got out of the truck and walked onto the porch. Emily tried to breathe; it was difficult. Hotch watched her stoic façade, wishing he could take the blows for her. As Natalie Prentiss opened the door, he tried to pull himself back from the edge of oblivion.

“Come in,” she opened the door and immediately took her stepdaughter into her arms. “Greg is in the study.”

“I’ll talk to him.” Hotch said.

He went one way as Natalie and Emily went into the kitchen. The teakettle was on; a pack of cloves and an ashtray on the table.

“Thank you,” Emily sat down. Without thought, she lit a clove and deeply inhaled the sweet venom. She remembered how many times Jason got on her about her occasional habit. Never cruel, he would chide her with a sweet smile on his face, eyes soft and warm. He would kiss her, saying that something so disgusting should not taste so sweet. She was never going to kiss him again. “What the hell am I going to do?”

Nat sat across from her, placing a cup of chamomile tea on the table.

“Take it one moment at a time.”

“Fin and Emma…I have to wake them and…”

“No,” Nat shook her head. “We need to let them sleep. The world as they know it just changed; this will be the last good night’s sleep they get in a while.”

“We can't wait too long for the funeral.”

“I know. We’re going to handle everything. Emily…”

“Please don’t.” she held up her hand. “I have to keep it together.”

“Why?” Nat asked.

“Because I said so. Is this spiked?” she pointed to the tea.

“No. It’s just going to help you relax.”

“I'm not sure I’m ever going to relax again.” Emily replied.

***

“Morgan, it’s me.”

“What's happening?”

“Did you tell the team?” Hotch asked.

“Yeah, and it’s…what happened to him?”

“There was a car accident about three blocks from Emily’s parents’ house. He dropped off the girls and then apparently skid on some black ice.”

“Is Emily alright?”

“I don't know. She’s numb and just…I don't know.”

“What do we need to do?” Derek asked.

“Right now I'm not sure. We are trying to get a funeral arranged in 48 hours because of religious tradition. Ambassador Prentiss knows a Jewish funeral home that will prepare the body as it should be. Emily said Jason wanted to be cremated.”

“Just let me know what you need help with.”

“I’ll call you in the morning. I'm going to stay here with Emily and give her whatever she needs.”

“Of course. Give her our love, Hotch.”

“I will. Goodnight.”

Hotch shivered as he turned off his BlackBerry. Gregory came out with a glass of Southern Comfort.

“I thought you might need this.” He said.

“Thank you sir.” Hotch sighed, running his hands over his face. “Where’s Emily?”

“She’s asleep.”

“What?”

“Her stepmother spiked her tea, between you and me.”

“Yes sir.”

“Rothman and Sons will pick up the body from the M.E.’s office. They know how to prepare for traditional burial, though we will have Jason cremated afterward. In the morning, Natalie and I will start calling people. I’ll go to the house and get Jason’s things. I want you here Aaron, when Emily sits with Lavinia and Emma…I'm not sure she can do it on her own.”

“I’ll be here.” Hotch nodded and sipped his bourbon.

It was brisk out but thankfully not windy. Going back inside was probably a good idea, still something kept Hotch out on that deck. Gregory pulled a cigar from his pocket, snipped it, and lit it. He offered one to Hotch but the FBI agent declined.

“I remember when Emily told me that Jason was the one. I was…it was an interesting evening.”

“He was a good man and loved Emily very much.” Hotch replied. “I had my share of doubts, for whatever reasons, when I found out as well. I knew from the way they looked at each other that they were always happy.”

“Yes, I know.”

The men didn’t say anything for a while. Hotch looked up at the night sky, clear and full of stars. How could Jason be gone? He talked to him just a few days ago; they were trying to nail down a time to have lunch next week. It had been nearly twelve years since Gideon's return…he and Hotch were close again.

He hadn’t quite meant for it to happen but the three of them were tight. Hotch never thought he would be the single best friend of a “married” couple, especially considering his history with both Emily and Jason. He was godfather to their children. Now Hotch was going to have to hold together what his friend left behind. Jason made plans surely; he always made plans. Hotch turned to Gregory.

“We have to get Jason’s papers. This has to be done right.”

“We will, Aaron. She doesn’t have to like it but Emily and the girls will stay here with us at least until after the funeral.”

“It’s a good plan. What can I do, Ambassador?”

“Stay with her. I know my little girl; she will pretend she doesn’t need you. She might push you away, hard, but remain strong. I know it’s asking a lot Aaron…”

“I would never leave her,” Hotch said. “Not now; not like this.”

“I know that. It will get harder before it gets easier.”

Hotch nodded, the cold finally getting to him. He went inside with Emily’s father. There was nothing left to do tonight so Gregory told him to get some sleep. There was a chaise lounge in the room where Emily slept. Hotch nodded, heading up to try and rest. He stopped in the girls’ room and just stared at them. Children were so beautiful when they slept, oblivious to the pain of the world around them. A part of Hotch never wanted the morning to come. So many lives would never be the same.

***

Hotch opened his eyes and saw Emily looking at him. Sitting up a bit too quickly, the Acting Section Chief grimaced. His back, neck, shoulder and knee were not very happy with him at the moment. Slumping back on the chaise lounge, he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

“Good morning,” she said.

“How long have you been awake?” Hotch asked.

“A little while now. Nat drugged me and I still couldn’t sleep. I woke right before sunrise…there was no sunrise.”

Hotch leaned to look out the window at the steady rain and the grey skies. He realized he was still wearing the cut tie. No one even mentioned it. Loosening it, Hotch pulled it over his head and threw it in the trash. He unbuttoned the top two buttons of his dress shirt.

“I must have dozed off.” He said.

“Were you planning on staying awake all night?”

“No, I just…I don't know.” He shrugged.

“I have to wake the girls.”

“I know.”

“I don’t know how I am going to tell them about this. How can they understand? I don’t even understand right now.”

“I have an idea, if you'll permit my going in there with you.” Hotch said.

“You have to…going alone terrifies me.”

Standing, Hotch stretched again, groaning as his muscles popped. He looked at Emily and could not believe how calm she looked. No, it wasn’t calm, Emily was numb. Walking around the bed, Hotch extended his hand.

“We should do this now.”

“I can't.”

“I don’t want to push but…there are no other options.”

Emily took a deep breath and took his hand. She had to do it; there was no way she could wait anymore. Keeping with tradition as much as possible meant they would have to have the funeral soon. There was no time to be in shock or try to hide away. Pushing the door open, she looked at her sleeping daughters. Fin was coming around; she saw Hotch first when she opened her eyes.

“Hi, Uncle Hotch!”

Her ebullience stirred her little sister, though not much since Emma could never be described as a morning person. She had gotten that from her mother; sometimes Emily still had to be yanked out of bed. Her big grey eyes focused as she held up a hand to wave at her mother.

“Good morning,” Hotch said as they walked in and closed the door. He and Emily both sat on the bed. “We need to talk to you girls, alright?”

They nodded. Emma climbed into her mother’s lap, still sleepy. Fin propped up the pillows and looked at her godfather. It amazed Hotch that the adopted eight year old looked so much like Jason. Nature versus nurture indeed.

“Do you guys remember last year when George got sick?” he asked.

Emily looked at him…she hadn’t even thought about that. Not that she could really think of anything right now. It took all of her strength just to get out of bed and string together sentences.

“Daddy took him to the cat hospital,” Fin replied. “We couldn’t bring him home; he had cancer.”

“We had a funeral,” Emma added. “Mommy and Daddy said he went to heaven.”

“Yeah.” Hotch nodded. “Last night there was an accident and Daddy went to heaven too.”

“Daddy isn’t in heaven, he made us spaghetti.” Fin said.

“It was after spaghetti, sweetheart,” Emily said. “Daddy had an accident.”

“And he’s dead?” Fin asked.

Emily looked at Hotch. He held his arms out for Fin and she sat in his lap.

“Yes honey. I am so sorry to have to tell you this.”

“Who will take care of us?” Emma asked, her voice going from drowsy to frantic.

“I will,” Emily said. “We are going to be alright.”

“What if you die?” Fin asked.

“We will hold onto each other as long as we can.” Hotch said.

“I don’t want Daddy to go to heaven, Uncle Hotch; I want him to come home.”

Emma began to sob. She curled her body close to her mother’s and cried. Fin reacted immediately to her sister, crying as well. The sound of their agony was too much for their mother to bear. Soon all three were crying; Hotch had them all in his arms. Eventually the wails turned to whimpers and then sniffles. Hotch stroked Fin’s raven black hair.

“What are we going to do?” she asked.

She didn’t sound like a little girl anymore and that broke Hotch’s heart. He looked at Emma, still clinging to her mother.

“We are going to take care of each other,” he replied. “I promise you that.”

“Will Daddy have a funeral like George did?” Emma asked.

“Yes, sweetheart. Everyone who loves him will come together to say goodbye.”

“I don’t want to say goodbye!” Fin exclaimed, climbing from Hotch’s lap. She rushed out of the room hollering for her grandfather.

Emma climbed down as well. She looked so devastated, her eyes red from crying.

“Can I find Pop-Pop too?” she asked.

“Of course, Em.” Her mother replied.

She walked out, leaving Emily and Hotch sitting on the bed. Emily tried to catch her breath but she couldn’t. When Hotch reached for her, she would not let him touch her.

“Their lives will never be the same.” She mumbled.

“You're right. They are not over though. So many people love them Emily…so many people love you.”

“I don’t even have time to contemplate their devastation.” She jumped up from the bed. “I have to plan a funeral. We have to do this quickly Hotch; no longer than 72 hours. If we wait…”

“Calm down,” Hotch stood as well, putting his hands on her shoulders. “Prentiss, stop. The wheels are already turning. Last night your father called the funeral home. They picked up Jason’s body this morning to start the traditional process for burial. Your stepmother went to the house to retrieve Jason’s lockbox and email list so we could inform people. We’re handling it.”

“How…?”

“I don't know what Nat gave you but before you fell asleep last night you answered all of her questions.”

“So what do we do now?” Emily asked. She felt so lost.

“The funeral will be held on Monday. I'm, we’re, not trying to take control of your life. We are just trying to help.”

Emily nodded slowly. She could not express how much she appreciated it. She moved away from Hotch.

“I should take a shower or something. Do you have other things to do?”

“Nothing matters right now except for you and the girls. I should probably shower though. Alright, I’ll get out of here for a few hours.”

Emily nodded, walking out of the room without another word. Hotch went back down the hall for his shoes before going down the back stairs into the kitchen. Gregory was making breakfast for his granddaughters. Hotch waited until they were presented with happy face pancakes and sausage before taking his attention.

“I'm going to get out of here for a few hours. What do you need me to do?” He followed Gregory into the study.

“Here’s the email list; Nat compiled it last night. She called his children because she didn’t think Emily was up to it.”

“Are they alright?” Hotch asked. It had been a long time since he had spoken with Stephen, even longer with Gabriela. Jason didn’t talk about them very much but Hotch knew they had some kind of relationship.

“They’re flying out.” Gregory replied. “We don’t know them very well so I would rather not judge their reactions.”

“I understand sir.”

“When you come back we’ll sit down and go over the paperwork. Did you know you were executor of the will?”

“I figured.” Hotch nodded, folding the paper with the email addresses and putting them in his pocket. “I will be back as soon as I can.”

Turning to walk out, he saw Emily standing in the doorway. She wore a bathrobe and her hair was damp.

“I need to see him,” she said. “I need to before they seal the coffin and I never see him again. I need to say goodbye.”

“We’ll go.” Gregory told her.

“I’ll be back.” Hotch said.

He kissed the girls and left. In his truck, he made a phone call.

“Rossi.”

“It’s Hotch.”

“What's happening? How’s Emily?”

“Numb is the word I would use right now.”

“What can we do?”

“Her parents and I are handling the funeral arrangements. It’s going to be Monday; tradition dictates we do this quickly. I don’t know what…”

“Its alright.” Dave cut him off, could tell he was floundering. “Call Morgan, you know he will handle anything at the BAU for you. We’ll talk again on Monday.”

“Thanks Dave.”

“You don’t have to do that. Just hang in there; I know this can't be easy for you.”

“I'm not thinking about myself, I am thinking about Emily and those girls. The fact that I don’t feel anything right now is probably a blessing.”

***

 _Emily smiled when she felt his beard nuzzle the crook of her neck. All these years later it still tickled and tingled._

 _“Tell me what you're doing.” She said._

 _“So you don’t know.” Jason’s hand slipped under her tee shirt. He caressed her stomach before moving up to cup her breast. “I can't believe that; you're the smartest woman I know.”_

 _“We have to start the day, Jason.”_

 _Emily turned in his arms, accepting his passionate kisses._

 _“I'm not in the mood to let you go just yet.”_

 _“We have to wake up Fin and Emma. You know how hard it is to wake your daughter.”_

 _“She got that from you.” he lifted the tee shirt over her head._

 _“Jason…” Emily grinned as her arms moved around his neck._

 _“Don’t say no, Katya.”_

 _All these years later and she still quivered when he called her that. It was a term of endearment he started while teaching Emily in the Academy and while she never knew why, she never asked. It was the Russian form of her middle name, Katherine, and always sounded smooth and sexy coming from his lips._

 _“I couldn’t possibly say no.”_

 _“I love you.” Jason laid her on the mattress, his body moving over hers._

 _“I love you more.”_

 _“I bet you don’t.”_

 _“Oh but I do.”_

 _“I'm about to show you how much I love you. We’re going to be late.”_

 _“One of your children will poke their heads in here and wonder just what daddy is doing to mommy. They will wonder why mommy is making that really funny noise.”_

 _Jason laughed, spreading her thighs. Emily arched her back, moaning when he pressed against her._

 _“The girls will be with your parents this weekend.” He slid inside of her. “Once I finally get you back from the FBI on Friday night, there will be no reason to leave until Monday. What do you think?”_

 _“Mmm, love of mine…”_

“Emily?”

“Yes?” She came out of her memory, the only place she would ever see him again. It was another cold, rainy day. It had been raining for three days. She stood on the deck of her parents’ Chevy Chase home dressed in a black Donna Karan dress. A vodka martini was in one hand and a clove in another.

“People are starting to leave. Would you like to say goodbye?”

They had a lovely service at Rothman and Sons. About seventy people were in attendance; Hotch and Reid read eulogies. After the service about half of those people came to the house for a small luncheon. Derek sat with the body until they arrived to take Jason to the crematorium.

“I really would like to.” she couldn’t look at Hotch. “But I…”

“It’s alright.”

“Really?” Emily laughed. “Exactly how do you figure that?”

“You know that wasn’t what I meant.” Hotch said.

“Jason is dead, Hotch.” She turned around. “Friday morning we made love and Monday afternoon he’s gone. It doesn’t make sense; how can I ever make it make sense? My daughters don’t have a father. I don’t have…” Emily showed Hotch the black pearl set in platinum she always wore on her ring finger. “He committed himself to me; to our family…what am I going to do without him?”

“You’ll hold on to what’s left. I'm not going to let you float away. I will cling to you with both hands if I have to.”

“I don’t know if I can do this.” She barely whispered.

“Em…” He reached for her.

“Dad?” Jack came out onto the deck. “I'm sorry to interrupt but mom is here so…”

“Yeah.” Hotch nodded.

“Aunt Emily.” The 14 year old embraced her and Emily accepted his affection. It was the first time Hotch saw her touch anyone but the girls or her stepmother since Friday. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Jack Jack. Thank you for being here.”

“If you ever need anything just call me. I have rambunctious twin brothers; I am a great babysitter.”

“You are a sweetheart.” Emily kissed his cheek. “Bye Jack.”

“Bye. Walk me out, Dad?”

“Yeah.”

They left Emily alone on the deck. She focused again on the rain, lighting another clove. JJ came out and stood beside her.

“Dave and I will probably head out soon.”

“Alright.”

“Do you need anything?” she asked.

“I really need for people to stop asking me that.”

“I'm sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” Emily reached down and took JJ’s hand. “I've taken a leave of absence from the FBI.”

“Ninety days...Garcia told me.”

“I don’t know why I thought it would ever be a secret.”

“Take all the time you need to get yourself together, Em.” JJ said.

“I doubt I’ll ever be together again.”

“That’s not true. I'm sure…” JJ sighed. “Nevermind.”

“Thank you.”

“We’re going to head out,” she leaned to kiss Emily’s cheek. “Call me if you need anything.”

Emily nodded, letting go of her hand and feeling her walk away. She needed to go back inside; the wind was cutting through her dress. Taking one last inhale before putting out the cigarette, she went inside to face the music.

***

April in DC was always rainy. Hotch didn’t bother with an umbrella as he dashed from his truck to Emily’s back door. The sliding glass door was partially open so he walked into the kitchen. She was smoking a clove and drinking a large mug of coffee. That seemed to the picture of her lately; it made him nervous. It had been ten weeks since Jason died. Hotch tried to be there for Emily but she was closing herself off, hiding more and more away. She was doing just what he knew. None of his usual tactics to get her to open up where working.

“Good morning,” he put on a smile.

“It’s still a giggle to see you in jeans.” Emily replied, though she did not giggle.

“I appreciate the casual look much more than I used to.”

“You're so handsome when you're relaxed. There’s coffee if you want some.”

Hotch nodded, thinking it was a better idea not to respond to the handsome remark. She didn’t mean anything by it. He poured himself a cup before joining Emily at the table.

“You smoke too much.” he said. “That could have something to do with your difficulty sleeping.”

“Are you going to shoot stats at me like Reid now?” Emily asked smirking.

“I know that nicotine affects sleep, and you know it too. Tell me how many hours of sleep you average nightly.”

“I'm lucky to end up with three or four. Five is a miracle.”

“You should have fallen over by now.” Hotch replied.

“It’s the coffee,” Emily held up her cup. “And the girls keep me busy. They’re back in school so I've been keeping up with that. Hotch, would you do something for me?”

“Anything.”

“I need you to talk to Lavinia. She and I…there’s a disconnect. Emma is clinging to me but Fin, I just don’t know. I've been thinking about having her talk to a professional. My father said she doesn’t even talk to him and you know how much she loves her Pop-Pop. Her teacher told me that she’s sullen and rarely participates in class anymore. I lost Jason; I cannot lose my little girl too.”

“I’ll talk to her,” Hotch stood with his cup. “And after that I’ll take the girls out so you can get some rest.”

“Hotch…”

“What? You're going to fall over. It’ll just be for a few hours. Jack has a soccer game at 3:30 so I’ll drop the girls back around three. That will give you about 4 hours to nap.” He took the cloves. “And you are done with these.”

“I have them hidden in various places all over this house.” She replied. “You're not going to find them all.”

“You act as if you don’t know how determined a man I can be, Emily Prentiss.”

Hotch didn’t say anything else before going up the back stairs. He looked in on Emma first, playing with her dollhouse on her bedroom floor.

“Hey sweetheart.”

“Hi Uncle Hotch!” she looked up and smiled a gap-toothed grin. “Look it, I lost a tooth.”

“Impressive. Did the tooth fairy come?”

“Mommy said she would tonight. I put the tooth under my pillow.”

“Well I’m going to talk to your sister and then we’ll go out to celebrate. Does that sound like fun?”

“Mmm hmm.” Emma nodded.

“OK. I’ll be back.”

Hotch tapped on the next door and was invited in. Fin sat Indian style on her bed with an open journal and a pencil. It had one of those funny rubber heads on top, no doubt a gift from Aunt Penelope.

“Uncle Hotch, I'm glad you're here. Will you help me?”

“Sure,” he sat down on the bed. “What do you need me to do?”

“I want to write a letter to Daddy. I know I can't mail it to Heaven but Ms. Palmer said that writing how I feel makes it hurt less.”

“Who’s Ms. Palmer?” Hotch asked.

“The school counselor.” Fin replied.

“You talked to the school counselor?”

“Yeah. Kim Torres, she’s in my class, her mom died last year. They sent her there to talk about it. So I went there too.”

“So, you want to write a letter?”

“Here,” she handed him the journal. “I talk and you write…is that good?”

“Yes. Tell me when.”

“Now. Dear Daddy, I miss you so so so so much. Emma and I are doing our best in school and we try really hard not to make mommy cry. She cries a lot, she misses you too. I want to hug her everyday but we’re really sad. Uncle Hotch helps to take care of us. So do Natty and Pop-Pop but we miss you. I wish I could at least visit you in heaven, or have said goodbye before you left. Aunt JJ and Aunt Julia say you are in a better place but what’s better than being home with us. I love you so much…add lots of O’s Uncle Hotch.”

Hotch did what she asked.

“Signed, Lavinia.”

“You should sign, sweetheart.” He handed the journal and pencil back, watching her heavy concentration as she signed in cursive. Both girls were ahead of the learning curve, with 8 year old Fin in fourth grade and seven year old Emma in third. Jason and Emily enrolled them at Sidwell Friends where they excelled.

“Fin?”

“Huh?”

“Your mom is worried about you.” Hotch replied.

“I'm worried about her too. She cries when she thinks we don't hear her. Her eyes are red and she has dark circles under them…she’s really sleepy. She smokes those sweet smelling cigarettes. I want to talk to her but…”

“But?” he gently pushed against her shoulder wearing a consoling smile.

“I don’t want to make her cry anymore, Uncle Hotch.”

“She’s going to do that for a while sweetheart; she’s very sad. A hug from you would make her day a whole lot better. It always has and that is never going to change.”

Fin smiled as her sister burst into the room. She wore blue jeans, a red ladybug sweater, and Wellies.

“I'm ready to go, Uncle Hotch!” She exclaimed.

“Where are we going?” Fin asked.

“Well, mommy is feeling just a little under the weather so I thought the three of us would hang out. How does the Dinosaur Museum sound?”

Fin and Emma cheered, the older girl jumping from her bed to get her shoes.

“Meet me downstairs and we’ll have an adventure.” He stood and left the room.

“Where are you taking my children?” Emily asked, managing a smile when she was face to face with Hotch again.

“It’s raining so I figured the Dinosaur Museum. When we’re done exploring there, it will be lunchtime. I’ll drop them back here before I go to Jack’s game.”

“Should I…?” Emily stood and went over to a drawer. “How much do you think…?”

“Don’t even think about it.” Hotch’s tone was serious.

“Hotch, you’ve already done too much. I cannot let you…”

“You act as if I have anything better to spend my money on than the three most awesome kids on the planet. I assure you that I do not.”

Fin and Emma came bounding down the back stairs. Fin jumped into her mother’s arms and though it surprised Emily, she held her tight.

“I love you, mommy.” She whispered.

“I love you too.” She fought back the tears. “Go and get your slickers guys and I want you to promise not to turn Uncle Hotch’s hair whiter.”

“Promise.” They shouted in unison before going into the living room.

“Thank you, Aaron.”

“Anytime. Get some rest and we’ll be back in a few hours.”

Emily nodded. She didn’t know if she would be able to sleep but wanted to try. The days were beginning to blur; something had to give.

***

“Oh my God Uncle Hotch, that’s an ambulance.”

Sure enough, an ambulance was parked on the street next to Jason and Emily’s house. The lights flashed and Hotch saw as he drove closer that the front door of the Gideon-Prentiss home was open. His heart moving into his throat, he quickly found a parking space and got the girls out of the car.

“Did something happen to mommy?” Fin asked.

After the late morning and afternoon of fun, it was easy to recognize the terror in her voice.

“I don’t think so sweetie. You guys go into the den and watch TV; I'm going to check on her.”

“I'm scared,” Emma replied, holding her big sister’s hand.

“It’s alright,” He caressed her tiny face. “I'm going to check on mommy.”

They went into the den and Hotch rushed up the stairs. He tried to breathe but couldn’t. He ran into EMTs coming out of the master bedroom. Natalie was with Emily.

“What's happening?” he asked.

“She’s asleep now. C'mon.” She stood, took gentle hold of his arm, and walked out into the hallway.

“Nat?” His hazel eyes searched hers. “The girls are watching TV in the den.”

“Emily overdosed on sleeping pills.”

“Oh my God…what happened?”

“She’s not in her right mind, Aaron. It wasn’t a suicide attempt or a cry for help. She hasn’t been getting any sleep; I don’t know how she’s managing to function at all. It was a stupid thing, figuring if she took three pills that she might actually get at least a nap. It’s a narcotic and a strong one. I am just so grateful that I called her. When she didn’t answer after three times I rushed over. I was able to revive her enough to vomit. Then I called 911.”

“Is she going to be alright?” Hotch asked.

“Yes. They wanted to take her to the hospital even though they pumped her stomach here. Emily refused because she wanted to be here when the girls came home. I'm going to stay with them tonight.”

“Good.” Hotch nodded. “Let me just talk to her before I leave.”

Natalie squeezed his hand. She went down to check on her granddaughters. Hotch went into the room, sat on the edge of the bed, and pushed hair from Emily’s forehead. She opened her eyes.

“I did something kinda dumb,” She whispered.

“I heard.”

“It wasn’t a suicide attempt…I swear Hotch.”

“I know that,” reaching for her hand was a reflex. “I was scared though.”

“Where are the girls?”

“Downstairs with Nat; we’re looking after them.”

“You have to go to Jack’s game.” Emily murmured. “You need to be there for him.”

“I’m going, but not until I know you're alright.”

“I'm fine. Go on, Aaron.”

“Are you sure?” Hotch asked. He didn’t want to leave her this way. He didn’t want to leave her at all.

“Mmm,” she nodded slowly. “Wish Jack good luck from his Aunt Emily. Please don’t let me keep you any longer.”

“I'm calling Nat later to check on you.”

Emily nodded, she was fading out. Hotch held her hand to his lips, kissing it. He stayed for a few minutes before heading downstairs to say goodbye. He didn’t want to be too late for Jack’s game.

***

“You were awesome out there, kiddo. Truly awesome.” Hotch smiled, putting his arm around his son and pulled him close as they walked to his truck. Jack’s team won 2 to 1 even though the rain was tough on the players and spectators. It finally slowed to a drizzle, making it a bit more tolerable.

“I'm glad you missed that kid getting by me. I was so pissed I let that happen…I wanted a shut out.”

“Its OK, it didn’t happen again. No one is perfect, Jack; just doing your best makes everyone proud of you.”

“Why were you running late, Dad?” he asked as he climbed into the passenger seat. “Is everything OK?”

“Aunt Emily is under the weather. She really had a bad day.”

“That sucks. Is she alright?”

“I think so.” Hotch pulled out of the parking lot and onto the street. “It’s going to take some time for things to…”

“I know,” Jack nodded. “My offer to help stands. I can take the girls out so she can relax.”

“That’s a lot to take on. You're only fourteen Jack; you deserve to be a kid too.”

“I take care of the twins sometimes. Fin and Emma are about the same age. I think if…I have an idea.”

“Hmm?” His father glanced at him before his eyes moved back to the road.

“We should all do something as a family. It might be a lot of fun.”

“What do you mean?”

“Its getting warmer and mom loves to take those educational trips. How does Colonial Williamsburg sound? You, me, Aunt Emily, Paul, the kids; a real family thing.”

A real awkward family thing, Hotch thought stopping at a red light.

“Is that a bad idea?” Jack sensed his thoughts.

Hotch didn’t say anything as he found a parking space near the Georgetown Diner. He cut the ignition and they got out of the car.

“It’s a bad idea, isn’t it?”

“It’s a good idea actually. I could talk to your mom about it.”

“I’ll talk to her. It might sound better coming from me. You guys have been divorced over a decade and are still awkward at best. We should do more things as a family though, especially now.”

“Damn you’re a good kid.” Hotch stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and hugged his son. Jack smiled.

“You’re a good dad, don’t ever doubt that. And I know how much Aunt Emily means to you. She means a lot to me too.”

Hotch didn’t know how to respond as they walked into the diner. They quickly got a booth, Jack perusing the menu as if he wouldn’t get one of the same three things he always ordered.

“What do you mean, Jack?”

“Hmm?”

“What do you mean, you know how much Emily means to me?”

“Do you want to have what will surely be an awkward conversation?” he asked, looking just like his father with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, you are at that age, kiddo; awkward conversations will be our mantra for the next couple of years.”

“Not us, dad.”

When the server arrived, Jack ordered a meatloaf sandwich, tater tots, and a root beer float. Hotch got the steak and potato omelet.

“OK, you first.” Hotch smiled though his stomach dropped.

“You love Aunt Emily, and there’s nothing wrong with that. We don’t have to have an in-depth discussion about it or anything, but I see it in your eyes. I've seen it in your eyes for a long time. You’re going to do everything to make sure she, Fin, and Emma get through this OK.”

“She’s my best friend.” It was all Hotch knew to say. “She and Uncle Jason both; they meant the world to me. They mean…”

“I understand, dad,” Jack replied as the server came back with his float. “That’s why I thought it would be nice to do something as a family.”

Hotch nodded, sipping his soda.

“Alright. Well talk to your mom about it. It might be a good idea when this weather finally breaks.”

“Did I embarrass you?” Jack asked.

“No, it’s OK. I guess there are plenty of nearly 60 year old men with crushes on their best friends.”

“Um no dad…not really.”

Hotch pointed at him and Jack laughed. It was a bit embarrassing that his fourteen year old knew about his feelings for Emily. If he knew then what was everyone else thinking, like the people around them everyday. What had Jason thought?

***

Emily smiled when she saw Dave; she always did. They were having lunch at Oligarchy, a cigar lounge near the Capitol. It was a gorgeous place, with cherry oak paneling, wood and glass furniture and plush leather seating. It was probably also one of the last places in captivity where a person could smoke inside. In the bear-like embrace of David Rossi, Emily relaxed and exhaled. She inhaled the scent of him, woody and spicy. They both sat down at the table.

“I ordered you a Grey Goose vodka martini, three olives.” He said.

“You know me too well.” Emily took the sterling silver cigarette case from her small purse. Dave lit her clove.

“Mmm hmm,” He nodded. “Tell me how you are.”

“I'm fine.”

“JJ tells me you’ve asked for an extension on your leave of absence from the Bureau; another 30 days.”

“How much juicy information can you get your hands on being shacked up with an FBI liaison?” Emily sipped her martini, relishing its flavor.

“You're deflecting.”

“Dave, you're not my shrink.”

“You're seeing someone?” he asked.

“I see Dr. Rachel Howard at the Applewood Clinic sometimes. She’s in private practice...the Bureau doesn’t need to be privy to my innermost feelings about personal things. I just need some more time.”

“I'm your friend you know. You don’t have to hide things from me. I don’t want to profile you, Emily.”

“Yeah,” she nodded. “The girls are just starting to get back into a routine. Fin is fixing some of her grades that were slipping and Emma is being social again. I can't just leave and give everything to the BAU. I could do that before…Jason was here. I could separate home and work; I could get away with missing things here and there.

“He made sure the whole thing ran smoothly. He made breakfast and did the laundry. He held me and let me talk it out if the burden was a bit too much. He was my balance; he kept all the plates spinning on their sticks. Now he’s in an urn on my mantelpiece and I am sitting amongst a shitload of broken china. I need some more time.”

“I understand. Are you going to spread his ashes?”

“I don't know when but the answer is yes. Can we talk about something else?”

“Are you hungry?” Dave asked.

“Famished actually.” She laughed a bit.

“You’ve lost some weight.”

“A little.” Emily looked at the menu.

“You’ve always been thin but now…”

“David, if you can't think of anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.”

“I'm worried about you.” Dave said.

“What do you want from me? The man I love just died OK, give me a break.”

“You know you're not alone right? You never have to go through anything alone. A lot of people love you and want to support you.”

“You'll never understand what I am going through. I am alone right now.”

The server came and Emily ordered a glass of strawberry lemonade. She wanted the filet mignon and Dave ordered the same, without the lemonade. His bourbon was just fine.

“Hotch has been there, when he can.”

“I know.” Dave nodded.

“Has he been talking to you?” Emily asked.

“No more than usual. I know how important looking after you and the girls is to him.”

“He gave Jason his word. I'm sure he probably has a million other things to do, like be an acting Section Chief but he assures me that he can do everything plus. He’s always been that way.”

“If you hadn’t noticed, Hotch doesn’t have a life outside of the job…and now you.”

“I just don’t want…” Emily finished her martini.

“What?”

Dave didn’t want to press but he had been watching things unfold for almost three months. Jason’s death was sudden and tragic. He felt everything Emily was going through was normal. He was worried about Hotch though. If Emily was as well then Dave would know he wasn’t being paranoid. David Rossi didn’t like feeling paranoid.

“I don’t want to transfer feelings of neediness onto Hotch. I think you know what I mean.”

He nodded, knowing now his thoughts were at least partially right. The same happened with him and JJ after she split with Will. It took almost a year and a half for Dave to feel comfortable with her wanting him for him and not because she couldn’t have someone else. But Will wasn’t dead; he was in the next county. Competing with a dead man, even if one didn’t realize that’s what they were doing, was bound to end badly. He thought about how badly as lunch arrived.

“You know how much he means to me.” She said.

“I do.” Dave replied.

“We had an affair, Dave.”

“When you were with Jason?”

“No,” Emily shook her head. “I guess affair is the wrong word. We had a moment in time for some months after being deserted by Jason and Haley. Except at the time Hotch didn’t know about Jason and I; I told him later. Don’t you think I've asked myself a million times what might have been? Jason was gone for a year.”

“Thirteen months if memory serves.” Dave replied.

“He left at exactly the wrong time, though I don’t suppose there can be a right time to do something like that to someone. Hotch got suspended and requested transfer, I resigned, we both changed our minds about leaving, and Haley walked out on him. It was just insane and somehow, we found our way to each other. He came to me that night, after Milwaukee, when he returned to an empty house. I don’t know, he didn’t know about Jason but we were both dealing with a loss. After a few weeks we were together more and more…it developed into something.

“Neither of us were looking at it like forever, we just sought comfort. Somewhere in the middle of hell and high water we became best friends. We were still lovers when Jason called me. It was six months after he left and it all came flooding back. I had to tell Hotch about our relationship.

“It was awkward but I did it and it ended what I had with him. Well, not the confession so much as Jason wanted to be back in my life and I wanted that too. I had feelings for Hotch, though I wasn’t sure at all what they meant. It was hard to make a decision like that, but I still loved Jason and it wasn’t fair to Hotch then. It’s not fair to Hotch now. Jason came home on my 37th birthday and we were never apart again.”

“I thought you and Jason were happy. I didn’t think “what ifs” crossed your mind.”

“We were so happy but…this is probably coming out wrong. I don’t even know if it’s possible for it to come out any other way.”

“Perhaps I've misunderstood.” Dave said.

“I'm afraid if Hotch lets me lean on him, I’ll never stand up. He won't push me because he loves me too much and part of him wants me to lean on him. God, that makes us sound really messed up.”

“It’s a messed up time. You’re stronger than that and you know it. So is Hotch.”

“I'm not sure.” Emily said.

“I am. Trust me. You don’t have to lean on him, just hold his hand. He’s your best friend and you both need each other right now. I know you know that too.”

“I don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

Dave didn’t know if that was possible. People always got hurt. He loved Aaron and Emily…he would do his best to be a friend to them both.

“I love you.” Dave reached across the table to caress her hand.

“I love you too. Just bear with me.”

“Always. You are doing much better than you think you are.”

Emily ate her lunch slowly, trying to figure out what was next. There were so many roads in front of her but she was unsure which to choose.

***

 _It was cold but the wind didn’t cut through her cashmere sweater. She lit the clove, letting the sweet poison course through her veins. When his arms moved down hers and around her waist, Emily smiled._

 _“Its cold out here,” he whispered, kissing the nape of her neck._

 _“Not really.”_

 _“Really, it’s January. What are you doing out here?”_

 _“I'm not allowed to smoke in the house, remember?”_

 _“That’s not punishment.” Jason replied, going back to her neck._

 _“Mmm, I know. I just wanted a few moments.”_

 _“Do you want to be alone?”_

 _“I want to be with you.” Emily’s hand covered his and she liked the body heat. It was cold. She enjoyed the quiet, looking up at the stars as the smoke filtered through her lips._

 _“Something is on your mind.” He said._

 _“How do you know that?”_

 _“I know you.”_

 _“The girls don’t know we’re not married. The introduction is always so damn awkward when we meet new people. This is my partner Emily…like we’re police officers or something. I don't know; it’s silly.”_

 _“What's silly?”_

 _“We’re together; that’s what's important.” She replied._

 _“No, what's important is how you feel.” Jason turned her around in his arms. “Tell me how you feel.”_

 _“I want to get married. I want to be introduced as your wife, Emily. It may be a little silly but it means something to me.”_

 _“Then it means something to me too.”_

 _“You made a promise.”_

 _“Carolyn is dead. I did make a promise, till death us do part, and she’s gone. I intend to spend the rest of my life with you…I should make that promise to you. I will make that promise.”_

 _Emily hugged him, squeezing him tight. Then she went back to her clove._

 _“So we’ll go to the Justice of the Peace. I'm not sure which county but…”_

 _“Well…”_

 _“Hmm?” Jason focused on her as she put out the cigarette._

 _“I want to get married, Jason. I don’t want to go crazy but definitely don’t plan on doing this more than once. I want my father to walk me down the aisle and my sister and friends to stand up for me. I want…”_

 _“You want a wedding.”_

 _“Mmm hmm,” Emily nodded slowly._

 _Jason grinned and held out his hand. They went back into the house, into the quiet of the den, where they held each other on the couch._

 _“Fifty people,” he said, his lips kissing her hair._

 _“I can handle that. We'll have a small wedding party of four.”_

 _“I don’t have four friends.”_

 _“I meant four total…JJ and Julia for me. I would assume that you would ask Hotch and Reid.”_

 _“Yeah. Where would we hold it?” Jason asked._

 _“I don’t know, but I want an autumn wedding. I want it low-key and simple.”_

 _“The Green Springs Gardens Park is beautiful in autumn. How about mid-September?”_

 _“We’re really going to do this?” Emily asked, looking up at him._

 _“I love you,” he smiled, holding her face in his hands. “Maybe I got too comfortable and figured when you didn’t say anything about it then you were comfortable too.”_

 _“I just want to be your wife. I know we have all the trappings; I want to seal the deal.”_

 _“OK,” he kissed her. “Tell me you love me, Katya.”_

 _“Mmm,” she gave him Eskimo kisses. “I love you, Professor Gideon.”_

The alarm went off; Emily slapped the off button before turning over on her back. It was 5:45 on a very cloudy morning. She was alone, nothing to keep her in bed except memories of Jason. The girls needed to get up for school as today would be Emily’s first day back at the BAU. She barely made it two weeks into her extension…the walls were closing in. She would much rather work on profiles than be alone with her thoughts. Last week she took the girls out for pizza to break the news to them. Not wanting to but unsure of what else to do; Emily took Hotch for moral support.

 _“Guys, I think its time for me to go back to work.” She said._

 _“I could tell home was boring you.” Fin replied._

 _“Being with you is never boring, Lavinia.”_

 _“I just mean that you're used to going out and catching bad guys. It’s hard to stop doing that.”_

 _“I love my job very much. I won't be traveling as much as I used to. My mom traveled all over the world when I was a little girl and I didn’t like it. In fact I hated it.”_

 _“We could stay with Natty and Pop-Pop, right?” Emma asked, grabbing another slice of pizza. “We have fun there.”_

 _Emily looked at Hotch. She didn’t understand why they seemed so nonchalant. She loved her kids, always wanted to be a mother, but she couldn’t pretend to know what they were thinking. Shouldn’t they be upset at their mother? They just lost their father and now she was going away as well. Maybe they were just used to her coming and going…not that that made Emily feel better._

 _“Being with you and your big sister is very important to me.” She said. “Daddy is gone and I never want you to feel like I'm not there for you. Promise me that you'll always tell me how you feel about things.”_

 _“You can always talk to me too,” Hotch added. “I'm here.”_

 _“Promise.” Fin and Emma said in unison, mouths full of pizza._

 _“Hands on it.” Hotch laid his hand on the table top. Emma put hers on his, Fin’s went on Emma’s, and finally Emily’s on top._

 _The girls smiled and their mother smiled back. It felt too easy and that made Emily uneasy. Still, she was willing to take it at face value for now because that was better than thinking of herself as a bad parent. Or worse, anger at Jason for dying, causing them to have conversations of this nature._

***

Her cell phone vibrated on her desk. Emily took the focus off her computer for a few minutes to pick it up.

“Prentiss.”

“Prentiss, it’s Prentiss.”

“Mother?” Emily sat up a little straighter. Damn, not even in the same room and she could still do it to her.

“What? It’s been so long you don’t even recognize my voice?”

“Of course I recognize your voice. I just…”

“I called you at home but your stepmother tells me that you are back at work.”

“Since yesterday.” Emily said.

“Do you really think that’s a good idea?” Elizabeth asked.

Emily wasn’t in the mood to have this conversation but surely she knew it was coming. While her mother was never a fan of Jason Gideon and didn’t pretend to be, she loved her daughter and doted on her granddaughters. Emily knew Elizabeth would think she should be at home making sure they were alright. It would be a total hypocritical stance, not that that would stop her mother. Little things like that never stopped Elizabeth.

“Where are you, Mother? Are you calling from home?”

“I'm in Bratislava, darling.”

“Slovakia? What's happening there?”

“Your power to deflect is still second to none.” Elizabeth replied. “If I was talking to anyone but you, Emily, I would think my trip was a top priority.”

“It is mother? I like to keep track of your whereabouts.”

“What are you doing at the BAU?”

“Paperwork, at the moment.” Emily could barely contain her snicker. Sometimes it felt good to “get” her mother. Of course, it was a short-term high, as highs typically were.

“Emily Katherine…”

“Mother, you never stopped working no matter what came along and you raised two children as well.”

“Two children with whom I have tense, strained relationships at best. We are supposed to do better than our parents, aren’t we?”

Her mother’s words stunned Emily into silence. It wasn’t often, actually it was never, that Elizabeth acknowledged the disconnection between herself and her daughters. Unlike Emily, who wanted motherhood more than anything, she was convinced her mother had children to keep with conventions and to get Grandmother Prentiss off her ass. To think Emily might end up one day in the same place with Lavinia and Emma made her shudder.

“I love you, mother.” She didn’t say it enough though surely it was true. Through it all, it was true.

“I love you too, darling, that's why I'm concerned.”

“I was off for three months. Fin and Emma are much better and used to being with their grandparents. Right now I think it’s important for us to keep their schedule similar to how it was before their father died. I couldn’t really be expected to sit at home and think about Jason all day, could I?”

“I suppose not.” Elizabeth conceded. “How are you?”

“Fine.” Emily put on the smile that always accompanied the answer though no one was there to see. Well Hotch was there…he was always there. The lamp was still burning in his office.

“Keeping busy is best, I suppose. I’ll be home soon, anxious to spend time with Lavinia and Emma. I haven’t seen them since the funeral. They change so rapidly, it reminds me of you and Julia at that age. I swear you looked different one week to the next.”

“I've been looking at baby pictures a lot.” Emily replied. “They looked like us then too. Did I ever show you the replicas Jason did of them in the frilly pink dresses? He loved that picture of Julia and I so much he wanted to have one of our girls.”

“I don’t think I've seen it.” Elizabeth said.

“It was taken about five years ago. I’ll have a copy blown up for you…you can put it in the study next to the other one. Visitors will get a kick out of seeing your daughters and your granddaughters.”

“That’s a lovely idea. Emily dear, how are you really?”

“I'm fine Mother.”

“I wish I were right in front of you.” Elizabeth said.

“Why?”

“I can always tell when you are lying.”

“You cannot.” Emily countered. “And I don’t lie to you. Yes, I omit things but I have never lied.”

“I can tell and I've never told you so because it’s not good to show your hand in a card game that isn’t over. You are not a little girl anymore so I guess it’s alright to reveal it now.”

Emily watched the lamp go off in Hotch’s office. He walked out and came over to her desk. Putting his briefcase on the floor by his feet, he stood there with his hands behind his back. She could not help but smile at him.

“Mother, my Section Chief is here to discipline me. I really should go, it’s late in Bratislava and you need your rest.”

“Are you brushing me off?” Elizabeth asked.

“Absolutely.” She laughed. “No, but it does concern me that you're up at almost 3am.”

“I get insomnia sometimes. You know that.”

“Well come home soon and your granddaughters can tire you out. They miss you terribly.”

“Isn't Natalie there everyday?”

“Don’t start. She’s their grandmother too and nothing will change that. Two grandmothers is a blessing, not a burden. I really have to go now.”

“I love you, Emily. Don’t work too hard; go home.”

“Ditto. I love you too, goodnight.” She clicked her phone off and looked at Hotch. “Sometimes…”

“Tell me about it.” A smile passed over his face. “We’re leaving now.”

“Is that an order?”

“Let’s call it reciprocity.”

“I can live with that.” Emily stood, taking her Kate Spade messenger bag from the bottom drawer and throwing some things in.

“I'm driving,” Hotch said. “I’ll just pick you up in the morning.”

“Why?” She slung the bag across her chest before slipping her arm in his. Normally she wouldn’t do something like that but the bullpen was almost deserted.

“Out of the kindness of my heart of course. And a strong desire for your Kenyan coffee.”

Emily laughed as they got on the elevator. Hotch loved to hear her laugh. He remembered how open she became when her relationship with Jason settled into something real. Maybe it was just for him as she had been open with the others for some time. She would smile, make conversation, and even laugh. He watched the grey clouds burn away like a warm summer morning after a storm. They returned on that frigid January night, would surely remain for some time, but that laugh was a glimpse at what had been and what would be again.

“What?” Emily asked as the elevator moved down 24 floors.

“What, what?”

“You’ve got a funny look on your face, Aaron Hotchner.”

“I don’t…I'm fine.”

“Well I'm hungry.”

“We’ll stop and have a bite.” Hotch replied as the elevator doors opened.

Emily pulled away from him; they rarely touched in the building even though they were so close. At Quantico they were Hotch and Prentiss. It worked for 14 years; there was no need to change it now. He knew in the car they would be Aaron and Emily again…it was more than the drizzle that made him quicken his pace to get there.

***

The three of them came out of the bar, arms linked. They were laughing and gabbing; a drunken version of Charlie’s Angels. When Emily saw Hotch, leaning against his Chevy Tahoe with folded arms, she smiled.

“What are you doing here?” she asked. She looked at JJ on one side of her and Garcia on the other. “How does he do that? The man is a psychic.”

They laughed again. A grin moved across his features.

“You sent me a text message.” Hotch held up his iPhone.

“What?”

“You sent me a text…about an hour ago.”

“I did? You guys let me send a drunken text?”

“I didn’t know.” Garcia said laughing.

“It says ‘ _you are cordially invited to be the designated driver for the three most awesome women in DC_ ’. Cordially is spelled wrong.”

“Don’t make fun of me, Aaron Hotchner.” Standing in front of him, she playfully slapped his chest.

“Hop in ladies.” Hotch held open the passenger and back door for them.

“Thanks Hotch!” they said in unison.

Garcia got in the front seat; Emily and JJ in the back. Hotch was in the driver’s seat and he made sure everyone was buckled up before pulling out of the parking space.

“I’m really glad you are here, Hotch.” JJ said. “Now I’m going to be spared sleeping on Garcia’s uncomfortable futon.”

“Hey!” Penelope looked back with a playful glare. “My futon is practically a member of the family. Its soooo comfy…show some respect Jennifer.”

“You’ve never had to sleep on it.” Emily replied.

“No, but I've…”

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Hotch said. “It’s been over a decade, and Kevin still struggles to look me in the eye. I would like to be able to look in his.”

The three women laughed, Emily reached up to rustle her fingers through his salt and pepper hair.

“Aww, poor Hotch.” She laughed.

“I can handle most of it,” He replied. “But surely not all of it.”

There was more laughter and then a comfortable silence fell over the group. The local 70s and 80s station on the radio played Van Halen, Queen, A-Ha, and then Styx…they started to sing along. Hotch pulled up in front of Garcia’s house as a light rain started to fall.

“Alright ladies,” she opened the door, realized her seatbelt was still on, laughed and unbuckled herself. “It was such fun; the most fun. Thanks boss.”

“Anytime.” Hotch replied.

Emily rolled down the back window. Garcia stuck her face in giving away kisses like candy. Hotch didn’t know how she managed a straight walk in those patent leather wedge sandals that she was wearing but she made it up the short walk, onto the porch, and into the house.

“Now I really feel like a chauffer.” He said. “Someone wanna come up front?”

“I will!” Emily talked a bit too loud as she stood and started climbing over the console.

“Em…”

JJ helped by pushing her butt as they giggled wildly. Hotch got a nice view of her lower back; the Arabic tattoo _heavenly woman, full of grace_. She was dressed in black leather hip huggers and a red tank top. Her shoulder length raven hair was wavy tonight, caressing her face. He found it slightly difficult to breathe.

“Ta-da!” Emily held up her arms in victory as she plopped into the chair.

“Buckle up.” He said.

“Yes sir.” She saluted him.

They were off again heading toward I-66, Fairfax, and JJ’s house. The blonde groaned in the backseat.

“You OK sweetie?” Emily asked.

“I'm just thinking about doing weekend things with the kids and a hangover. Will is coming to pick up Henry early but Nathan and Stella…oh boy.”

“Let daddy do the hard work.”

“He loves it, you know,” JJ replied. “It’s really cute to see him with the kids. He’s not David Rossi, world famous profiler and writer; he’s just Daddy. Yeah, I'm definitely going to have to sleep in tomorrow. I may be getting too old for this.”

“Bite your tongue, woman. If you're too old then what the hell does that make me? It felt so good to just let go tonight.” Emily said.

“Oh totally. We just can't let go for another couple of months…I have to recover.”

Emily laughed, nodding. She glanced over at Hotch in the driver’s seat. He gave her a little smile and wink before focusing on the road again. It didn’t take too long to get to JJ and Dave’s; traffic at that hour even on a Friday was pretty thin. The tipsy blonde got out, leaning into the open passenger side window to give Emily a kiss. They both got rained on.

“I will see you on Monday. I’ll call you tomorrow!” JJ said too loud as she turned and pointed back at the car. “Bye Hotch, and thank you.”

“Anytime.”

He grinned when she slipped out of her heels and walked up her driveway barefoot. Once she was securely inside, Hotch was on the road again. The rain came down at a steadier pace though it wasn’t hard.

“Just you and I,” Emily murmured.

“I'm sorry?”

“Do you mind if I smoke?”

“Yes.”

“Aaron…” her annoyed tone only made him grin.

“It’s not good for you. You can’t deny that.”

“No,” She shook her head. “I'm back to occasionally since returning to work and you know it. Do you know the definition of killjoy?”

“Enlighten me.”

“It’s that guy who won't let a drunk girl enjoy a cigarette. That’s word for word you know; Webster’s Collegiate.”

“Mmm hmm,” Hotch laughed, his dimples coming out of their hiding place. “Smoke your cigarette.”

“Thank you.” Emily smiled as well. She cracked the window, took a clove from her purse, and lit up. It felt good. She had virtually stopped since returning to the BAU six weeks before.

It was so good to be back at work; just the distraction Emily needed. Fin and Emma only had a week of school left. The family was doing the best they could without Jason…he had been gone for five months. He was not there for Lavinia’s ninth birthday in late April or Emma’s eighth in May. Still, Emily and Hotch held it together. The girls were back in a routine that was almost normal. Emily was even sleeping again; some nights up to seven hours.

“Did you have a good time tonight?” Hotch asked.

“Mmm, I have the best friends in the world, you know that? All I wanted to do tonight was let go. I wanted to drink silly colored drinks, forget that I'm practically fifty, and sing songs on the jukebox. I wanted to laugh until my stomach hurt and turn down all the men who came to our table. JJ and Penelope had my back…that’s friendship.”

“Yes it is.” He nodded.

“And then you showed up to escort us home.”

“I got a text.”

“You could have ignored it.” She said.

“I would never do something like that?”

“You could have been busy.”

“I left Quantico early tonight,” Hotch replied. “The Nats were playing. Watching a good baseball game relaxes me.”

Emily didn’t say anything else. She took one last drag from the clove, plucked it out the window, and held in the smoke. Slowly blowing it out, she gazed at him.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“What?” he cajoled a bit.

“You’re a very handsome man, Aaron Hotchner.”

“Thank you.” He smiled.

“It’s the dimples. I mean it’s more than that but the dimples do something to a woman. I love the dimples.”

“They're popular.”

“With women?” Emily asked, her interests peaked. She sat up some and tried to pretend her head wasn’t swimming. “Tell me everything.”

“There’s nothing to tell.”

“I betcha there is. Why won't you tell me? Is it good…is it juicy?”

“There is seriously nothing to tell.” Hotch laughed, getting off the Interstate exit, and driving back into DC.

“When was the last time you went on a date?” Emily asked.

“About a month ago.”

“What! Why didn’t you tell me? You don’t have to hide things from me, Hotch.”

“I wasn’t,” He shook his head as he stopped at a red light. “It was dinner and that’s it. It never came up.”

“Are you going to see her again?”

“Work keeps me busy.” His foot pressed on the gas.

“Did you at least have a nice time?” Emily asked. “Tell me something.”

“I had a nice time.” He didn’t want to talk about it.

He didn’t want to discuss his one-night stand. It wasn’t his first, but Hotch knew it would be his last. Women were certainly attractive, pleasant to be around and surely he had needs but it was starting to make him feel empty. Dates were few and far between anyway and so was sex. Without love, intimacy, and significance, what was the point? He was too old to play gigolo. Just as he was too damn old to be in love with his friend’s wife; in love with his best friend.

“You don’t want to talk about it.” She said. “I know that look well.”

“We can talk about whatever you want.”

“Well, what's on the radio?” Emily began pressing all the buttons, laughing and stopping on six. “Oh my God, remember this song Hotch?”

How could he forget? Five years ago they were driving home from a crime scene in Baltimore and the atmosphere was tense. It was raining hard; Emily was messing with the radio trying to find something to release the tension. She found this song. It was in that tiny moment of time when Hotch let himself think that maybe, just maybe…

“Sing with me. You must not know bout me, you must not know bout me…”

She sang along with Beyonce and Hotch just smiled. Emily had a good voice; she hid that talent most of the time. Of course there wasn’t always much to sing about. He didn’t sing along but hearing her sound happy made Hotch feel that way. He almost hated pulling up to the house and cutting the engine. He turned the radio back on.

“Home sweet home.” He said.

“Thank you.” She looked at him and smiled.

“You are quite welcome.”

Emily cupped his cheeks and began to kiss all over his face. It wasn’t the first time she had done that, it always made Hotch laugh. He tried to pull away while doing nothing of the sort. Her lips lingered over his for a moment before pressing down. Hotch moaned when her tongue brushed his lips and he opened his mouth to let her inside.

When she sighed, he pulled her closer and they shared their first passionate kiss in 13 years. Could it really have been that long? It felt like just yesterday; familiar, sweet, promising, and intoxicating. Hotch pulled away with reluctance and didn’t stop until his back hit the glass of the driver’s side window.

“You should go inside; it’s late.”

“Come with me.” She said.

“No,” he shook his head.

“Why not?”

“Because I want it too much.”

“That doesn’t make sense, Hotch.”

“I know.”

“If you’re worried about it, I can assure you that I am least 52% sober. I'm touching 60% actually.”

“When you're 100% sober…” he sighed. “You need to get some sleep.”

“I don’t want to be in that big old house by myself. The girls are with my parents.”

“Emily…”

“The guest room is made up. I can make omelets in the morning.”

“I can't, really.” It hurt so much to say that Hotch nearly gasped in agony.

“Alright.” She put on a smile, beautiful but false. “Walk me to the door?”

“You got it.” Hotch jumped out of the car like it was on fire. He went around to Emily’s side and opened the door for her. She held his hand when she climbed out.

“I really did have a great time tonight. I almost felt normal again. The empty house should set me straight.”

“I'm sorry.”

“For what?” she looked at him.

Hotch didn’t reply. Emily didn’t press; she just dug her keys out of her purse and unlocked her door. She held his hand to her lips.

“Call me tomorrow?”

“I have to make sure the hangover isn’t too bad.” He grinned.

“Goodnight, Hotch.” She kissed his cheek.

“Goodnight, lock up.”

“Yes sir.”

Emily went in and closed the door. Hotch stood there for a few moments, considered changing his mind but knew he was doing the right thing. It was better for everyone to get back in his car and go home. There might be a right time for this but it wasn’t tonight. There might never be a right time for this.

***

“Mrs. Winthrop, I am so sorry for your loss.” Emily sat down on the loveseat while Morgan and Rossi went around the house.

“It’s…you have no idea what I'm going through. I just…how will I get through this?”

“You will.” Emily reached out her hand. “Believe me you will.”

“That is easy for you to say.”

“It’s not at all. I lost my husband recently so I know what you're going through.”

That made her pause. She stared intently at Emily and the profiler recognized the look in her eyes. It was grief, agony, and emptiness. She knew it well.

“What happened to him?” Cynthia Winthrop asked.

“He was in a car accident. I’m here to talk to you about your husband. The more we know about Ryan as a person is going to help us find out who did this to him.”

“I can't tell my kids what happened to their father. It’s been a week and they still don’t know. David is too young to understand but Cecily asks where daddy is. How do you tell a six year old that her father is never coming home? She’ll never be the same.”

Emily’s mind flashed to the look of horror on Fin’s face as Hotch’s words sunk in. Just the memory nearly brought tears to her eyes.

“Do you have family?” Emily asked.

“My parents are on the way from Phoenix. Ryan’s mom lives in Philadelphia…she is coming with his sister. Our friends, they’re trying but…” Cynthia pushed back the tears knowing it would not help the situation. If she could get through this interview then it would be OK to break down. “One of my coworkers suggested that I join a support group. Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“Anything that gets you out of bed and being a mother to your children is a good idea.” Emily replied. “Did Ryan have a pretty regular routine?”

“Oh God,” Cynthia almost laughed. “he was practically OCD in his behavior. I gave up years ago on trying to get him to deviate. It became endearing after a while.”

Emily wasn’t going to ruin a happy memory by letting Cynthia know it was that endearing OCD that got him murdered.

“So tell me everything that he would do on a normal day.” She said. “If someone was watching him they did it from someplace he frequented. There’s a connection between your husband and the other victims; we’re doing our best to find it.”

“And then what? Will I get peace; closure perhaps? Will it ever feel like there isn’t a giant pit right in the center of me?”

“I can't answer that. Everyone is different.”

“How long has your husband been gone?” she asked.

“Not very long, but everyday is different. I don’t know if you will ever have closure but being able to help us find this person will make a difference. I promise you that. Now tell me everything about Ryan.”

000

 

“You did a good job today.”

Derek slid into the booth across from Emily. It was late but Dallas was still sweltering. They were in a bar across the street from the hotel where they were staying; Trisha Yearwood sang over the speakers. Morgan sipped his Miller High Life.

“Hmm?” Emily came out of her daze.

“You were good today. That information we got about Ryan Winthrop is going to lead us straight to his killer. Garcia has already found a connection between three of the six victims. It’s only a matter of time…”

“Yeah.” she nodded. She drank her sloe comfortable screw but decided against anymore potato skins. “I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”

“We’ve had that conversation before. This job has been our lives for a long time. Mine longer than yours.”

“I love my job Morgan, you know that. Getting these monsters off the street has been a calling. It’s just…”

Morgan nodded, she didn’t have to finish. Over his past eighteen years in the BAU, he had considered quitting more times than he could remember. He met the right woman, settled down, and started a family. That still didn’t calm the hunter in him. Perhaps he was just as relentless as the monsters he took down. Something was driving him; it drove them all.

“Tell me how you're doing.” He said.

“Fine.”

“Em…”

“Seriously,” she managed a smile. “Morgan, I feel fine. I know it’s not real; I know it’s a stage. Still, it feels real right now. I wake up in the morning, I get the girls ready, and I go to Quantico. Sometimes I travel and they stay with their grandparents. I can even manage six or seven hours of sleep at night. That’s when I know I'm alone, at night in bed. I don’t know,” She shook her head. “I think for right now I'm going to take what I can get.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that.” Derek took one of the potato skins.

“Maybe I just need a vacation.” Emily mused.

“What are the girls doing now that school is over?”

“They’ve been kidnapped. They will enjoy a summer of carefree bliss with their grandparents. Most of it will be spent at the house in Hilton Head but Nat tells me they are definitely taking them to Europe for three weeks; Daddy bought a house in Alicante a couple of years ago. I’ll tag along for that in August. Hotch suggested we take a little vacation…we could both use the time off.”

Morgan nodded.

“I'm taking my girls away for a little while. Tina wants to go to Miami and Franny is a total beach baby. I know I could use some time off. She’s a good woman for me; never tries to change me. But she knows when to make me slow down. Since she never asks me to stop I always respect her wishes.”

“We both got very lucky in love.” Emily replied. “I think neither of us saw it coming and that made it even more amazing.”

“Having her and Franny at home makes the horror out here easier to handle. Family is a good thing.”

“You're my family…all of you. I have my dad, Nat, my mother, and my sister but you guys know me. You just know me and it’s just as OK to be made of steel around you as it is to fall apart. I never have to worry that you’ll see a side of me that will change our relationship.”

“Never,” Derek said. “never ever. We are in this together…for all time. We made that promise a long time ago.”

When she took his hand, Emily smiled for real. Some time in the future they would be able to have conversations that didn’t revolve around her loss. Emily knew it was important to her loved ones that she and the girls were as healthy as they could be in this time of mourning. There were those who already believed she was doing too much too soon. Derek wasn’t one of them.

He knew that Emily needed to be busy. She had been that way when Jason was alive and would be that way forever. He knew she still missed him, still cried, and that she felt lost sometimes. That didn’t mean she planned to sit idly by and let the darkness get her. That was never going to happen. Her vibrating iPhone caught her Unit Chief’s attention. She looked at it, her lips quirking into a smile.

“Shouldn’t you be asleep? It’s almost midnight in DC.”

“Nice hello,” Hotch replied. “I’m sure that your mother taught you better etiquette than that.”

“Something like that. Seriously, what are you doing awake?” Emily asked.

She pulled a $20 from her pocket Derek nodded, already knowing who was on the phone. He couldn’t help but smile to himself. They were the only ones who didn’t seem to know they were perfect for each other. Emily walked out of the bar and back across the street. Downtown Dallas was still busy and the hotel lobby was no exception.

“I just wanted to check on you.” Hotch said. “I'm actually heading to bed in a little while; I wanted to hear your voice first.”

“Shall I sing?”

“That sounds like fun.”

Emily didn’t have to be standing close to him to know that Hotch was smiling on the other end of the phone. Thinking of his dimples made her smile. Then she frowned, thinking about the feelings she was trying to reconcile. Unable to recall how or when it happened, Aaron Hotchner was her best friend. There had to be a line but when Emily looked in front or behind her, she could not see it. What did that mean?

“How was your day?” she asked, eager to get her mind on something she could deal with.

“Filled with meetings and reviews. Fin called me; wanted help with her bike.”

“She’s staying with my parents,” Emily replied, getting off the elevator and walking down the hall to her room. “I'm sure my father could’ve helped her. He did a nice job with mine at that age.”

“Yeah, but she said she wanted to see me.”

“Is she alright, Hotch?” Inside, Emily took off her shoes and rested on the bed.

“Fine; she wanted to tell me about the trip to Hilton Head. Emma wanted to talk about it too and Natalie, of course, wanted to feed me.”

“You poor thing,” she laughed. “Being stuffed with good food must have been traumatic.”

“It really was,” Hotch laughed as well. “I may be scarred for life.”

“You need to get some sleep. I'm glad you called though.”

“Any idea when you're coming home?” he asked.

“We’re finding connections but there is definitely nothing concrete. The city is not safe while this guy is on the loose. We’ll be ready with a profile in the next 36 hours, I think. I hope that no one else has to die before then. Tonight might be the best chance for sleep I get for a few days.”

“Then go. I’ll talk to you when you get back to DC. Will you let me take you out to dinner?”

“I can make you dinner.” Emily replied.

“If you guys keep feeding me I might never go away.” Hotch said.

“That’s alright with me. Goodnight, Aaron.”

“Sweet dreams.”

***

 _Emily looked up from her work and her music. She felt someone watching her, smiling when she saw who it was. Emily pulled the iPod buds out of her ears._

 _“What are you doing here?”_

 _Jason smiled as well, leaning on her desk._

 _“I had to work late, grading papers, so I decided to come up here and rescue the fairy princess from the tower.”_

 _“Really?”_

 _“Mmm hmm. Come home with me, Agent Prentiss.”_

 _“I have a lot of paperwork to do.” Emily replied._

 _Jason pulled her up from the chair, bringing her closer until her pregnant belly pressed against him. He exhaled as he stroked her abdomen. Emily pressed a light kiss on his shoulder. This was not the kind of behavior she would normally display in the bullpen but it was virtually empty._

 _“We’re going home?” she asked, still holding his arms. God, she loved his arms._

 _“I thought a late dinner might be nice. We can go someplace pretty and just enjoy some time together.”_

 _“Where’s Fin?”_

 _“She’s with your parents. Natalie couldn’t take her out of my arms fast enough. She…Hotch is still here?” Jason looked up at his lit office._

 _“Of course,” she pulled away from Jason some but still held on. “Trying to get him away from that desk is impossible sometimes. I worry about him but he doesn’t like to let me help. I think he might be worse than you.”_

 _“That surely won't stop you.”_

 _“You know me well.” Emily smiled._

 _“Oh yes I do. I want to invite him to dinner with us; is that alright?”_

 _“Give me a reason I wouldn’t want to spend the evening with two of my favorite men.”_

 _“Exactly how many favorite men do you have?” Jason asked, raising his eyebrow._

 _“Go and chat with Hotch. I'm going to pack up.”_

 _Jason nodded, going up the stairs to Hotch’s office. He walked past his old office now occupied by David Rossi. There was no reason to peek inside; Jason was not nostalgic for days gone by. He knocked on Hotch’s office door._

 _“Come in.”_

 _“Hey there.”_

 _“Hi Jason.” A smile spread across Hotch’s face. “What brings you here?”_

 _“I came to get the workaholic I love. I stayed late and figured she would still be here.”_

 _“You know her well.” Hotch replied._

 _“Yeah, and I know you just as well. Have dinner with us; we all need to get out of here.”_

 _“That is certainly true but this paperwork needs to be done by Monday. It’s the quarterly reviews; you know from experience they don’t write themselves. This is one of the few times I loathe being the boss. I didn’t join the BAU to drown in paper.”_

 _“It’s the nature of the beast.” Jason said. “How is Emily doing?”_

 _“You know I can't share that information, Jason.” Hotch rubbed his eyes._

 _“Off the record.” Gideon said._

 _“She is one of the best profilers I've ever had the privilege of working with. Does that make you proud?”_

 _“Extremely so, though I can't pretend I had anything to do with it. You're her Gideon.”_

 _“I'm sorry?”_

 _“Hey,” Emily poked her head in wearing a smile. “Are you coming with us?”_

 _“I'm really busy.” Hotch replied._

 _“Hotch…” Emily rolled her eyes._

 _The Unit Chief held up his hand to stem the tide. He knew if they were not in Quantico she would have called him Aaron. Jason felt his pain._

 _“I'm going to make dinner next week.” He said. “We’ll have Hotch over then, love. I’ll pull the venison out of the freezer; marinate it for 48 hours…it will be amazing.”_

 _“It sounds that way.” Hotch said. “I’ll bring the Shiraz.”_

 _“Terrific.” Jason smiled._

 _“Are you sure you won't join us?” Emily asked. “You could probably use an early night.”_

 _“I can't Prentiss, but thank you for asking.”_

 _“Don’t stay here too late.”_

 _“Goodnight guys.”_

 _Hotch smiled but both Emily and Jason knew his whole heart wasn’t in it._

 _“I’ll call you to finalize that dinner.” Jason said._

 _“Great.”_

 _Emily slipped her hand in Jason’s as they walked to the elevator. Inside he wrapped his arms around her from behind, stroking her belly._

 _“Three more months.” He whispered, nuzzling her temple._

 _“Don’t…” she put her hand over his._

 _“We’re still one day at a time?”_

 _“Pretty much.”_

 _Emily had been almost seven months pregnant when she lost their first child. The doctors called it a late term miscarriage. They were having a little boy, planned to name him Daniel after Jason’s father. She was further along with him than she was now and she lost her son. Her second miscarriage came at ten weeks but that didn’t make the loss any easier to bear._

 _She had reluctantly given up ever having a child with Jason. This pregnancy both surprised and scared the hell out of Emily. They adopted Lavinia, who was nearly nine months old now, and were happy with their little family. Now she pregnant again; isn’t that the way it always happened?_

 _“Then we’ll talk about dinner instead. What are you craving?” he asked._

 _“Honestly, I want one of those Snickers ice cream bars. Chocolate, peanuts, caramel, and ice cream. Mmm.”_

 _“That’s not dinner, love. How about seafood?”_

 _“I can do that.”_

 _They walked out of the elevator hand and hand. Signing out, Jason and Emily headed for the parking lot._

 _“How are we solving the two-car problem?” she asked._

 _“Easy; you’re coming with me. I’ll make sure you get here on Monday morning.”_

 _Emily smiled, squeezing his hand. She needed to get her mind off the bad memories and focus on the happy times ahead._

 _“Do you love me, Jason?”_

 _“What kind of…” he stopped. She did that sometimes and he always assured her. It never bothered him, that’s what you did when you loved someone. “I love you madly.” He kissed her cheek. “How could I not?”_

 _Jason opened the car door and Emily slid into the passenger seat._

 _“I love you too.” She said when he got in on the other side._

 _He grinned, leaning to kiss her lips._

 _“We don’t need a reservation for the Red Lobster in Fairfax.” He said. “I don’t usually…”_

 _“It sounds just perfect. I am not going to let your food snobbery stop me from enjoying some cheddar bay biscuits.”_

 _“Yes ma'am.”_

***

“I love you Peaches. I love you all the way to the moon and back but it’s seven thirty in the morning. You know that right?”

“I’m well aware.” Emily got into Penelope’s vintage Cadillac and kissed her cheek. She held out a cup of coffee. “I love you too.”

“Oh Peaches…I will drive you anywhere you want to go.”

“Queens.”

“Please tell me you mean Queens, VA.” The tech analyst eyed her warily.

“As far as I know there is no Queens, VA. I believe there is a Queens in Maryland but I’m talking about New York.”

“That’s 250 miles away.”

“It's 239 miles actually. It’s a five hour drive, give or take.”

“Hence the early morning?” Penelope asked.

“Yeah.”

“So you're in the mood for some Gray’s American?”

Emily bent over her Dooney and Bourke bag. She gently pulled out the silver urn.

“It’s time to put Jason to rest.” She said.

“Oh,” Garcia was quiet for a moment. She nodded and started the car.

The radio played The Psychedelic Furs, taking Emily back to simpler times that probably weren't simple at all. She reclined in the leather seat, letting the warm summer sun bathe her skin.

“So what's in Queens?” the blonde finally asked the burning question as she maneuvered her car onto I-95. Thank God for coffee…Saturday traffic on the interstate could be brutal.

“A great many things, but our destination is the 59th Street Bridge.” Emily replied.

“You feeling groovy?” Garcia asked, snapping her fingers.

“Something like that. Jason took me for a long weekend in New York City; we had been back together for a year and a half. We did our own made up tour of great Simon and Garfunkel sites. The last place was that bridge. He sang the song to me and we laughed. Then he pulled the ring out and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him.”

“Gideon proposed?”

“Not exactly. He gave me the black pearl and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. So I want to take him back there, to a place where we were filled with happiness.”

She nodded and for a while they drove in silence. Emily held the urn close as she looked out the window.

“You told Kevin that you would be gone all day?” she asked.

“Pretty much. I knew from your tone that this would be a day trip. Do you mind if I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Why me? I mean I want to be there for you, always, but I would think…”

“What, Hotch? JJ maybe?” Emily asked.

“I guess so.”

“Jason loved you, Penelope. He was worldly; loved to travel, speak, write papers, and teach but deep down he was a quiet, reserved man. You always made him smile and I just wanted to be with you today.”

“Well I'm here.”

Emily smiled. She put the urn back in the bag and looked at her companion.

“I just think its time to do this.” She said. “He’s been gone for almost six months and sometimes it still feels unreal. I need to put him to rest. I'm sure it was never his intent to sit on my mantelpiece.”

“I remember when my parents died,” Garcia replied nodding. “I didn’t think I would be able it go on. I just dropped out and whatever happened, happened. It was the worse feeling.”

“I have to be there for Fin and Emma. I love my daughters so much…I went to hell and back for so long to be their mother. It was Jason though; he packed lunches and kissed boo boos. He read them stories, taught them about birds, foreign languages, and everything in between. I was too busy being the girl from UNCLE to be a mom. I woke up one morning and realized what a tiny part of my daughters’ lives I was. Maybe if I would have died that day…”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” Garcia’s tone was sharp. “You’re a wonderful mom and Jason being a good father doesn’t take away from that. You two were a team, a real set of equal parents who loved their daughters. You taught Emma to ride a bike and Fin to tie her shoes. You learned to knit to make them funny colored socks to run around in. You orchestrated family road trips, burnt cookies, blew up swim toys…don’t ever think you didn’t do a good job. They love you and even though you're away sometimes when you come back Fin and Emma are overjoyed.”

“My mother dragged me all over the world when I as growing up. It wasn’t the best life, Penelope. So many people think it must have been cosmopolitan and adventurous but I hated it.”

“You are not dragging your kids anywhere. They lay their heads on the same pillows every night. If they’re not with you then they are with their grandparents. You know from experience how awesome grandma’s house is…you told me great stories about your grandfather’s cabin in the Swiss Alps.”

Emily sighed. She worried so much about Fin and Emma. They suffered a great loss; everything from this moment on was up to her. She missed Jason so much as a father and companion. Unsure if she could even do it on her own, Emily was concerned that the bright future of Lavinia and Emma would grow dim. She saw dark times when she was a teenager; times when she felt she might not make it through. If her daughters ever had to go through that, if she could not protect them, it would be another failure in a life of so many.

“I just worry.” She finally said.

“That’s a sign you're a good mother.” Garcia replied smiling. “And all the solicited and unsolicited advice from the Peanut Gallery is not going to stop that. You have to know that you aren’t alone, Peaches. You have a big, loving, slightly neurotic and dysfunctional family that will be there with you every step of the way. We were here before you lost Gideon; we surely wouldn’t leave you now.”

That made Emily smile, and she reached her hand over to grasp Penelope’s.

“I think I can do this.” She said more to herself than her companion.

“I know you can. Then we’ll have a nice lunch in Manhattan, buy you a pair of shoes, and come home. I know there will be somber moments but I don’t want this to be a bad day. There are so many more good times ahead.”

Emily knew that as well. She wanted to go back to that bridge, remember the moment when Jason asked her to trust him completely with her heart. She wanted to feel that elation again even if it was just for a little while. She wanted to be with him in her memory as she said goodbye in real life. Scattering the ashes would finish a chapter in a book that had many more pages to go before reaching the end.

***

It was a hard case; a cold case. Six years ago the BAU worked a case in San Francisco where eight gay men were murdered in a three month span. They profiled an Unsub but the case remained unsolved. Six eerily similar murders showed up in Providence three years ago but they did not request the FBI’s help. Atlanta did when five cases involving gay male victims went beyond the typical hate crime scenario.

The team determined rather quickly it was the same killer. They wanted this guy off the street…he now looked good for 19 murders. 48 hours ago, 37 year old Shawn Pertwee was arrested and confessed to the Atlanta slayings. Other police agencies were converging on Georgia with at least a decade’s worth of similar unsolved crimes.

Emily hated cold cases. Firstly, she hated the idea of being unable to catch the Unsub. She felt that victims couldn’t rest as long as their killer remained free and loved ones never got even the tiniest sliver of closure. Worse than that, and that was surely enough to keep her awake at night, cold cases reminded her of George Foyet. It reminded her of Hotch being stabbed nine times and left at a hospital.

It made her think about him having to be separated from Jack for months on end while they worried what the wily serial killer would do next. Few things brought Morgan as much joy as ridding the earth of that scum. Every time she worked a cold case Emily worried about someday having to face a situation like that. Who wouldn’t worry about a killer setting their sets on the innocent family of a law enforcement officer? Revenge was not unheard of in their business.

As her SUV pulled into her driveway, she shook off the bad thoughts. She was home now and she and Jason always did their best to leave Quantico outside of their home. Just because Jason was no longer waiting on the other side of the door didn’t mean Emily would bring the monsters in with her. She left them, and her go bag, inside the car. She smelled barbecue in the air but that wasn’t surprising. It was the last week of July…well into grill season in the residential neighborhoods of the nation’s capital. It surprised her to see her own front door open and smoke coming from the back. After waving at one of her neighbors walking his dog, Emily walked around the side of the house and into the backyard.

“Hey guys.”

“Mom!”

She was bum rushed by her daughters. It was such a good feeling to have them in her arms again as they had been with their grandparents in South Carolina since right after the 4th. Emily hugged them tight, kissing every spot she could reach on their faces. When that was done, Fin and Emily still clinging to her, she accepted a kiss from her stepmother.

“What are you doing here?” she asked Nat.

“We thought a weekend at home would be nice before taking the girls overseas. When Aaron called to tell us about his plan, Greg and I knew we couldn’t say no.”

“What plan?”

“We planted trees for daddy!” Emma exclaimed. “Little trees…look mommy.”

Sure enough on each side of the oak tree in their backyard, one of the biggest selling points when Jason and Emily bought the house, were two smaller bushes. Emily couldn’t tell what kind they were.

“It’s like daddy in the middle with Emma and I on either side.” Fin said. “That way all three of us can grow together.”

“Its lovely.” Emily kissed her daughters again. “This was Hotch’s idea?”

“He called your father and I on Thursday.” Nat replied.

“I better go and thank him. What are they making on the grill?”

“Chicken and burgers.” Emma said. “We’re glad you're home with us, mommy.”

“Me too sweetheart. I'm going to say hi to Uncle Hotch and Pop-Pop. I’ll be back.”

She walked across the yard, taking a moment to look up at the sunset. Emily loved the look of dusk; the pinks, purples, and reds. Smiling, she climbed the steps of her deck and kissed her father.

“Welcome home, love.” Gregory said. “We weren't sure you would be back tonight.”

“He knew I would be back.” Emily pointed at Hotch, who responded with a dimpled grin.

“Hello there.” He said.

“Hey. Dinner smells delicious.”

“I hope you're hungry, Emily,” Gregory said. “The chicken is almost done.”

“Dad,” Jack came out of the sliding door carrying a bucket with drinks and ice. “I think this is enough ice. Hey Aunt Emily.”

“What's shakin, Captain Jack?” she kissed his cheek before taking the bucket from him and placing it by the railing.

While Emily listened to Jack telling the story of their adventures at the Home Depot that afternoon, she watched Hotch and her dad over the grill. The two men were talking and laughing, something the former Ambassador rarely did with Jason. She knew her father found Jason likable even if he didn’t think he was right for his daughter. Gregory was always cordial and the two men never failed to find some commonality to chat about…both were current events and history buffs. He and Aaron were friends though.

She wondered what they talked about when she was not around. One phone call from Hotch and her parents were back from South Carolina. That said a lot. Her father didn’t have many friends. He had acquaintances, colleagues, people who loved him dearly and those who cowered in his presence. The number of people who saw the open face of relaxation he showed Aaron Hotchner was quite few.

Hotch knew she was watching him; they shared senses for too many years to count. He couldn’t read her mind, wouldn’t even if he could. He wondered often what Emily was thinking as years of compartmentalization created a mind trap so complex not even his best profiling skills could get to the center of her. But he didn’t want to be Senior SSA Aaron Hotchner with her, not anymore. Hotch was unsure what he wanted.

Technically he was still her boss. Yet with all the years that had passed, over a decade, Emily was his best friend. He and Jason managed to rebuild a relationship when he returned but it could not compare to what he had with Emily. They shared the monsters, friends, pains…they had a bond. That bond had been broken with almost everyone else in Hotch’s life. Emily and Jack, they were forever. Now he had Fin and Emma as he took his promise to Jason quite seriously.

“What kind of trees are those, Hotch?” she asked.

“Hmm?” he looked up at her.

“The trees, what kind are they?”

“They're not exactly trees. Fin picked a lilac bush and Emma loved the rhododendrons. You will see a splash of color next spring.”

“I hope you bought a pair of pruning shears.” Emily said laughing.

“As a matter of fact, I did.” Hotch smiled.

“Girls, come and get your supper.” Gregory called. Fin and Emma came running, their grandmother bringing up the rear.

“Do you want a burger or some chicken, Jack?” Hotch asked.

“A burger please.”

“I'm going to freshen up a bit.” Emily said. “It was a long week and a long plane ride. Save me some chicken.”

“Will do.” Her father nodded.

“I’ll bring up a drink for you.” Hotch said.

“Thank you.” She quickly slipped her hand in his and squeezed. “I’ll be back.”

Emily didn’t know when he would come up so she undressed quickly in the bedroom and went straight to the shower. Just a little time to shake the darkness and then she could give 100% to her family. Yes, they were her family…some always had been and one always would be.

***

“Em?” he knocked gently on the door but stayed outside. “Em, are you decent?” Hotch poked his head into the bedroom and saw her out on the veranda. “Hey.”

“Hey there.” She turned and smiled. “Are the kids asleep?”

“Out like lights, but we did run them ragged today. Jack had a little sunburn on his neck so I gave him some aloe before he fell asleep. I thought you might be asleep as well.”

“I'm too busy enjoying this lovely night. Come out here; look at these stars.”

Hotch joined her on the veranda. They were in Alicante, Spain, staying with Emily’s parents. It was a gorgeous house overlooking the beaches of Costa Blanca. The house was spacious with many verandas and picture windows. Hotch loved the place though the sleeping arrangement was a bit strange.

There were only four bedrooms. Gregory and Natalie shared one, Fin and Emma another, and Jack had one. That left the large front bedroom for Hotch and Emily. He was going to share a room with his son but it was so small it only had room for a twin bed, dresser, and desk. Jack didn’t mind one bit; his father got claustrophobic just thinking about it.

The room with Emily was spacious, with a veranda looking out on the ocean. There was antique-style furniture and a queen-sized bed. They were not sharing it…Hotch slept comfortably on the oversized chaise lounge. For the past two days it worked out; only five more to go.

“God, this place is so beautiful.” Emily leaned on the railing. “Just look at that moon. The moon doesn’t look like that in DC.”

“I think you're right.” He replied.

“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” She turned to look at him sitting in one of the comfortable chairs.

“Mmm hmm.” Hotch nodded.

“Are you alright?”

“It was a long day. Don’t get me wrong, it was fun, but it was long. Still, I think that sand castle was the best I've ever built. It impressed the girls.”

“It impressed their mother as well. I sent Garcia so many photos today. She is making us a digital photo album.”

“That sounds nice.”

“Hotch, what's wrong?” Emily sat down beside him. She put her hand on his thigh. “Don’t tell me it’s nothing because I have known you long enough to know it’s something.”

“I'm just tired.” He put on a smile. “I’ll get a good night’s rest and be as good as new in the morning.”

“You're not getting the proper rest on that chaise lounge. I didn’t drag you all the way to Spain to get a crick in your neck. We can…”

“No.” Hotch shook his head.

“Last time I checked I didn’t have cooties. The bed is big enough for both of us to sleep comfortably. We can even put up that silly pillow fort like the good old days.”

He couldn’t help but smile when she did. There were a few times they got stuck sharing motel rooms over the years. When there was one bed, Hotch would put pillows between them to keep everything chaste. She was a “married” woman after all.

“The chaise is comfortable, Emily.”

“Fine, be a stubborn man; see if I care. There’s always Plan B anyway.”

Hotch was afraid of what that might entail. Emily could be quite crafty when she wanted to be and didn’t mind dragging her best friend along for the ride. He watched her get up and walk back over to the railing. She lit a clove and smiled.

“Emily?”

“Yeah?”

“What's Plan B?”

“Do you really want to know?” She asked.

Hotch raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Emily giggled; he loved her laughter. It was full of life and glee…had been so long since he heard it.

“My parents are taking the kids tomorrow.”

“Taking them where?” Hotch asked.

“Out for breakfast. After that, an afternoon of sailing, frolicking, and fun. Nat and I discussed it at dinner tonight while my father regaled the kids with totally false stories of his James Bond-like younger years.”

“I think those stories have more truth to them than we will ever know.” Hotch replied. “So what are we doing tomorrow if we don’t have to be Dad, Mom, Uncle Hotch, and Aunt Emily?”

“We’re going to start by sleeping in. Then I will cook you breakfast and after it digests we’ll have a swim. We’ll take a walk in town, doing what you do when you take a walk in town.”

“I saw an outdoor café yesterday.” Hotch said. “We can have lunch there.”

“That’s the spirit.” Emily’s smile lit her whole face. “It’s just you and me tomorrow; a little alone time. We’ll meet up with everyone for dinner at seven. You think you can put up with me for that long?”

“I'm willing to give it the old college try.” The Hotchner dimples came out to play when he grinned.

“Sweet.” Emily put out her clove, reaching for Hotch’s hands. She pulled him up and into her arms, exhaling when his arms moved around her back.

“Its not so bad, is it?” she whispered.

“What's that?”

“Holding on.”

“It definitely is not. I just…” Hotch cleared his throat, found it difficult to go on.

Emily kissed him. It was tender, passionate; just like in the car the night he drove them all home from that bar. Hotch pulled away, eyes still closed, and ran his fingers over her face. A light laugh came from his diaphragm. It became a moan when she kissed his fingertips. The second kiss was more passionate, Hotch’s arms wrapping tighter around her back. They slid down to caress her ass.

“Mmm, Hotch.” She tilted her neck as his mouth feasted on her skin.

Emily ran her fingers through his hair and down the nape of his neck. Hotch backed her up to the railing, hands roaming her body. The way Emily moaned made him crazy. It was hard to catch his breath and his mind was racing. Should he stop? Should he ask? Should he run away screaming or take her like he had been dreaming for God knows how long? It felt so good, so right; it had to be exactly what he shouldn’t do.

“Ow!”

“Are you alright?” Hotch pulled her closer to him and away from the railing.

“Yeah,” her forehead rested on his chest and she laughed. “I’ll be OK. The railing is a little uncomfortable though.”

“We’ll go to bed.” Hotch tilted her chin until she was looking at him. Then he kissed her nose. “If you want to.”

“Mmm, Aaron…”

“Hmm?” he was kissing her again, tasting the wine as well as cherry flavored clove on her lips. He never wanted to stop, which was why he hadn’t started in over a decade. Almost without his consent, Hotch’s body started moving them toward the bedroom. Emily still held onto him. He could feel her trembling, unsure if it was anticipation or fear.

“Don’t let me go.” She whispered as she lay on the mattress and his body moved over hers.

“Never.”

Touching her made Hotch quiver. He was so hungry for her, had been for too long to recall. He wanted to touch every inch of her. He wanted to stroke, caress, kiss, lick, fondle; this was a dream come true. Feeling her reciprocate was heaven. More than once he had to pull away; try to breathe as the water filled his lungs. Emily always brought him back and finally he surrendered…drowning certainly had its benefits.

Emily arched her back, whimpering as Hotch made love to her with his mouth. My God, it still felt so good. She was only human; had never forgotten the feel of his skin on hers. She never forgot his hands, his mouth, or the way the hard parts of him pressed against the soft parts of her. The smell of their mingled flesh was as familiar to her as dew on fresh grass.

“Aaron!” She didn’t want to wake the whole house but it was hard to hold back. Emily held back as long as she could.

She loved the way he smiled at her, held her face in his hands. The words he murmured were tender, loving, and when he was finally inside of her, they both knew words would never be needed again. So why did she need to know? Why did she need to hold his face after he kissed her breathless, demanding it with her eyes?

“Yes, yes Emily, yes, yes, yes. Oh dear God…”

They fell together, holding on tight and hoping to never let go.

***

 _“Jason,” Hotch opened his front door. “I wasn’t expecting company.”_

 _“I'm sorry for showing up unannounced but…”_

 _“You always show up unannounced.”_

 _“I do?” Jason’s lips quirked into a smile. “That’s a pain in the ass, isn’t it?”_

 _“Come in,” Hotch didn’t answer the question. “it’s chilly and raining.”_

 _“I'm sorry I didn’t call but figured you would be here. You usually have Jack on the weekends you're in town.”_

 _“He’s with his grandmother this weekend. Do you want a drink? I have alcoholic and non-alcoholic.”_

 _“What's non-alcoholic?” Jason asked, taking off his jacket._

 _“Raspberry iced tea,” Hotch put the jacket in his closet. “cran-apple juice, Pepsi, water…”_

 _“Iced tea sounds good.”_

 _“How are you?” Hotch went to the kitchen and poured two glasses of tea._

 _“Good. I want to take Emily away for a little while.”_

 _“Oh,” he paused, clearing his throat. “that sounds nice. Where?”_

 _“New York City. Clichéd yes,” Jason took the glass. “but I have a plan.”_

 _“Don’t keep me in suspense.” Hotch replied, smiling._

 _They sat down together at the small kitchen table. Hotch knew Jason hated his apartment. There wasn’t a lot of life to it, even with Jack’s toys around. Hotch wasn’t overly fond of it either but since his divorce he never really felt at home anywhere. Maybe that would change someday…for now it was just the truth._

 _“I’m going to take her on a tour of all the spots where Simon and Garfunkel recorded or wrote about in their songs.” Jason said._

 _“Prentiss loves Simon and Garfunkel.” Why did he always call her Prentiss again when talking to Jason? Hotch could never really understand the need to make a deepening relationship formal again but it was probably for the best. His gut was a hell of a lot smarter than he was. “Her musical tastes intrigue me. Have you ever listened to her iPod?”_

 _“The Smiths, Bowie, The Carpenters, Queen, then Mary J. Blige, Alicia Keys, KC and the Sunshine Band and a little Pantera.” Jason smiled. “Her music is just like her, though I'm sure no adjective could ever properly hold her inside its box.”_

 _Hotch nodded. This conversation was getting a little awkward but he didn’t know how to say so. Jason had been back for a year and a half. He and Hotch were rebuilding their friendship. The house had suffered a lot of damage but the foundation remained strong. Jason and Emily were in a committed relationship; she was five months pregnant with the couple’s first child. A few days ago she confessed to Hotch they were having a boy. He would never forget the glow of contentment all around her._

 _“So, New York?” Hotch asked._

 _“We both have half-days this Friday so we’ll take the 3 o’clock from Union Station. We will stay in an overpriced suite at the Waldorf, visit The Met, take our tour, and at the 59th Street Bridge, I’ll give her this.”_

 _Jason took the ring box from his pocket and sat it on the table. Hotch looked at it and then again at Jason._

 _“Oh, wow,” he was at a loss for words._

 _“Open it.” Jason Gideon’s face broke out in the rare full grin._

 _Hotch popped the top and saw the black pearl set in platinum._

 _“It’s beautiful.” He said. “A little unconventional for an engagement ring but Prentiss will love it.”_

 _“You always call her Prentiss.” Jason replied._

 _“Reflex.”_

 _“Hmm. It’s not an engagement ring, not quite anyway.”_

 _“You're not proposing?” Hotch asked._

 _“I want to be with her Hotch, how could I not? I love her, madly, but…”_

 _“You can't let go of Carolyn?”_

 _“I thought I could.” Jason took a deep breath, trying not to let images of his dead wife fill his mind. “I tried; I've been trying. I even tried to take the ring off a few weeks ago but…Emily understands.”_

 _“Does she?”_

 _“She has been patient with me thus far. It’s not even a subject that comes up very much in conversation. We give each other everything we need and nothing else matters. This ring is a symbol of my commitment to her and the family we’re about to begin. It’s a promise that nothing will come before she and Daniel.”_

 _“You're naming him after your father?” Hotch asked._

 _“Emily insisted. I thought it would be nice to name him after her grandfather but she turned her nose up at Barrington Colby Gideon.”_

 _“No doubt.” Hotch laughed. “So Daniel…”_

 _“Daniel Colby Gideon…today.” Jason replied. “I have been informed that mothers are allowed to change their minds without provocation. That brings me to the second reason I'm here.”_

 _“Alright.”_

 _“Emily and I want you to be Daniel’s godfather. If anything ever happens to me, Hotch, it’s important to me that you take care of my son and his mother.”_

 _“You want me to be Emily’s godfather too?”_

 _Jason laughed, sipping his tea._

 _“You know how she is; she’ll never ask for help. I know how you are…she’ll never have to. We trust you, love you, and want this. What do you think?”_

***

A loud bang followed by muttered expletives slowly brought Emily out of her sleep. Thunder rumbled in the sky as she turned and watched Hotch limp over to the chair. He sat, put his foot across his knee, and rubbed it.

“Are you alright?”

The sound of her voice startled him; he felt no need to pretend it hadn’t.

“I didn’t mean to wake you.” Hotch concentrated on his foot instead of looking at her.

“What's the matter?” still resting on her stomach, Emily held her pillows close. She had no idea what time it was and the dark sky outside didn’t help her.

“I stubbed my damn toe.”

Hotch sounded angry, she heard it simmering underneath his neutral tone. That tone made her sit up. Emily pulled the sheet to cover her naked body.

“Aaron…”

“I really didn’t mean to wake you. I was just going to get dressed and…”

“You were going to leave. You were going to leave while I was asleep. I never imagined you'd do something like that.”

“I wasn’t…Emily…”

“Just talk to me. We’ve always been able to talk to each other.”

“I need some space.” Hotch got up quickly from the chair, ignoring the throbbing pain in his toe as he started to dress. “I need to think about some things.”

“Alright,” Emily nodded. “If you need to get away I can understand. All you had to do was wake me up.”

“It’s not just that, I…” Hotch walked toward her, stopping midway. He held up his hands but then dropped them in defeat. “I'm almost 55 years old; I can't run around like a love struck teenage boy. It’s not good for either of us. You have to know how deeply I care for…”

He didn’t finish the sentence and Emily didn’t press. She got out of bed, grabbing her silk robe from the bottom.

“Let me walk you out, or I can make some coffee and we can talk some more.”

He shook his head. He didn’t want to talk anymore, not right now. This was his problem, not hers. While part of him wanted her to stop him from going he did not know what he would achieve by staying. After a deep breath, Hotch took gentle hold of her shoulders and kissed Emily’s forehead.

“I can see myself out.” He said.

“I hope you know that you can talk to me about anything. I always want to listen.”

“I do know that. This is something I need to work through on my own…it’s my problem.”

“You're my best friend.” Emily took his face in her hands, trying to smile. “We’ve always shared our problems. You don’t need to work through it alone.”

Hotch nodded, taking her hands off him. She was his problem, as awful as it sounded. How was he supposed to articulate that? If he ever hurt her, it would break his heart.

“I'm going to go. Are you going to be alright?”

“I don't know. I think I’ll crawl back in bed and see what happens. I might still be jetlagged; with the girls coming home tomorrow I need as much energy as possible.”

Fin and Emma had been in Alicante for three weeks with their grandparents. Hotch, Emily, and Jack returned from Spain a day and a half ago. It was a wonderful, relaxing trip and a real family affair. The two had some time to spend alone and Emily wondered if anyone or everyone noticed the change in their relationship. Her parents were smart and though neither said a thing, her stepmother gave her that look a few times.

Emily kissed him softly, telling him not to go without a single word. Hotch pulled away, his pain showing on his face.

“I need to go.” He whispered.

“Then just go.” She replied.

He nodded, turned and left the room. Emily sat down on the bed and listened. When she heard the front door close she damned herself and the tears that welled in her eyes. How could he walk out on her? After all they had been through together, all the years; Hotch knew that abandonment was probably Emily’s biggest issue. Damn him! Damn him straight to the depths of hell!

A sound of frustration came out of her throat. Emily yanked the nightstand drawer too hard; it hit the carpet with a thud. She’d only wanted her cloves and now she was cleaning a bunch of crap off the floor. Down on her knees, she just threw everything back in without looking at it. When she came across the small photo album, she sat down and leafed through the pages. It was all pictures of Emily, Jason and Hotch, compiled over the last decade.

God, she loved Hotch’s smile as much as she loved Jason’s. She didn’t even remember when half of them were taken; the three of them squeezed together, one of them probably holding the camera. They had been the Three Musketeers for so long. Then suddenly they were down to two again; just she and Hotch in the last photo holding up beer bottles and laughing. Emily threw the album across the room, put her head in her hands and cried. She was strong; would make it through this time. Right now letting go of the pain out was all she cared about. It was impossible to keep in anymore so Emily allowed it to overtake her.

***

“I didn’t tell you but my life has recently become a bad scene out of _When Harry Met Sally_.”

“Hmm. What about these?” Dave held up a pair of purple strappy Jimmy Choo heels.

“Dave, I'm an FBI Agent…I have absolutely no use for those shoes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Pretty sure. See if they have them in JJ’s size.”

“I love her more than life but Jennifer is the queen of the sensible shoe. Why do you think I have been coming shopping with you for all these years? Now who are Harry and Sally?”

“You do realize…?”

“That my sexy shoe thing is weird?” Dave finished her thought. “Yeah, but I don’t let it bother me. Smart, blonde, and sexy shoes…hell who am I kidding. She doesn’t have to be blonde. With JJ, two out of three ain't bad. She more than makes up for the shoe thing. Now you were saying?”

“You have obviously never seen _When Harry Met Sally_.” Emily replied.

“I’m starting to think I should be happy about that.” Dave grinned. “Please enlighten an ignorant man.”

Emily smiled as they walked through the vast shoe department at Nordstrom. Dave had been her shoe shopping partner for almost 2 years, ever since his second retirement from the Bureau. It was just their thing. JJ surely didn’t mind and Jason hadn’t either. Dave probably didn’t know that Emily knew about the 4 or 5 pair of “special occasion” heels that JJ wore for him. The things you did for love were abundant.

“While there were many romantic comedies before it, _When Harry Met Sally_ is one of the best movies of a generation and everything that came after is a sad imitation. The film begins with Harry and Sally, Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan, meeting in college when Harry bums a ride home. They spend the whole ride discussing how men and women cannot be friends and will always end up in bed together.”

“Interesting.” Dave nodded. He saw a pair of boots JJ might like when the colder weather came. He would see if they had them in size seven.

“Eleven years later they are best friends and still having the same argument. Sally is looking for love; Harry is looking for sex, and yet with each other is where they find contentment. Things get sticky when their same sex best friends fall in love.”

“Wait, what?” Dave stopped walking and perusing. “I'm lost.”

“Sally’s best girl friend and Harry’s best guy friend fall in love. They move in together and everything.”

“Oh, now I understand. I really hate when that happens.”

“Tell me about it. So our title characters chug along, in love but not knowing or acknowledging it or whatever. They cover the feelings with pseudo-intellectual banter, slight contempt for their friends and contemporaries, and empty relationships with others. Then it happens, like blammo!”

Emily approved of the maroon, squared toed pumps Dave held up. They would fit well into her wardrobe.

“They fall into bed.” He said.

“Yeah, after some hump breaks Sally’s heart. And she thinks its love, with Harry, and he is mortified because he’s the world’s biggest commitment-phobe. She knew that about him; accepted it when they were just friends. Then she suddenly thinks he is supposed to be different now. Why do we get stupid when we fall in love?”

“I don’t know if we do so much as Meg Ryan does.” Dave said. “I think I know the rest; tell me if I'm wrong. She wants more, he wants less and bolts. Insert sad music here. They avoid each other and their mutual friends feel the strain. He shows up at her door but never knocks; she picks up the phone but doesn’t call. Then something, wedding, funeral, or company retreat, brings them face to face.

“They look into each other’s eyes; go right back to pseudo-intellectual banter, kiss, and live happily ever after. The moral of the story being A) a man and woman can never just be friends, which is crap, and B) a relationship is so much better with someone who knows every facet of you, which is true. Even if some of those facets make them cringe they can still handle them. When did you and Hotch pull a Harry and Sally?”

“In Alicante last month.” Emily replied. “There was nothing awkward about it Dave, nothing uncomfortable; it was wonderful. A week later…”

“He pulled away from you.”

“Yeah. He said he needed space. I can really understand that…it’s not that I don’t understand that.”

“But?” Dave raised an eyebrow.

“It’s been three weeks and we've barely had a conversation. He still spends time with the girls, which is now awkward for me. Nat told me that he plays golf with my father once a week at the Chevy Chase Country Club. I mean we talk, as in we use words while standing in front of each other.” Emily sat in a chair. She had four pair of shoes, which she gave to a consultant asking for a size 9. “I don’t know what happened to us.”

“Don’t you?” Dave asked, sitting next to her.

“Now I’m the one who needs to be enlightened.”

“It’s incredibly hard to play second string. It’s difficult to come into what you might consider another guy’s space and try to make it your own. Add the stress of the fact that the both of you, on different levels, have been playing the ‘what if’ game for about 13 years. There was a large part of Hotch resigned to playing the role of the smitten best friend for the rest of his life. It was how he survived. Now he’s been thrust into the leading man spotlight.”

“I get that.”

“That isn’t your fault, Emily.”

“I don’t want to lose my best friend.” She said. “God, through thick, thin, and everything in between, he has been there with me. I need him in my life, Dave. He’s just…dare I say he means everything to me. What does that even mean? I love him so much; I can't put those feelings into words. Don’t force me to put those feelings into words.”

“No one is going to force you into anything.” he squeezed her shoulder.

“So tell me what to do.”

When her shoes came back, Dave enjoyed watching her try them on. OK, so maybe he was a little weird. Oh well, he could live with that. Sexy women and sexy shoes…how could that be wrong. Emily bought three pair and Dave bought a pair for JJ. They were nearly 15 minutes late for their lunch reservation at Equinox. Her last name alone, which still turned heads in the DC Corridor, kept it waiting.

“I can't do that you know.” Dave said.

They were settled at a lovely table. He sipped bourbon while Emily enjoyed sweetened iced tea. She contemplated trying the lemon butter swordfish.

“You can't tell me what to do?” Emily asked.

“Nope, but you're a really smart woman. You're going to figure it out.”

“And if I don’t know?”

“I'm thinking you already have, you're just doing the Emily thing.”

“Oh I've got to hear this.” She smiled, putting her chin in the palm of her hand and focusing on Dave.

“You’re weighing the pros and cons, practicality versus spontaneity…that sort of thing. In the end you’ll follow your gut; it rarely steers you wrong.”

“Speaking of my gut, the garlic butter shrimp in pasta sounds delicious. I'm starving.”

“I'm really glad you have your appetite back.” Dave replied. “I was worried.”

“When I'm sad I always initially reject food.” Emily said as the server arrived. “Then I remember what a comfort it can be. I think I am going to have lobster and garlic butter shrimp with my pasta.”

Dave smiled. She almost seemed like her old self again. Harry and Sally or whatever surely was not the most fun situation to find yourself in but it beat watching the walls close in. It beat wanting the walls to close in.

***

 _“It’s a really lovely evening.”_

 _Emily laughed, her smile remaining as Jason slipped his arm around her waist and held her closer. She pressed a quick kiss to his temple._

 _“What's so funny?” he asked._

 _“Its raining, cold, and we have eight blocks to walk to my condo.”_

 _“I thought you loved the rain, Agent Prentiss.”_

 _“I do. I love it the most snuggled under some blankets with a good book or George.”_

 _“Ouch. Your cat got higher status than me. Am I not snuggly?”_

 _Emily laughed._

 _“Well I have been snuggling with George for a few years now. He is a little sonofabitch but a damn fine snuggler. Though you're not bad at all, Jason Gideon.”_

 _They walked in silence for a little while. Emily had both arms around him; Jason returned the gesture with one while the other held a large blue umbrella._

 _“There is something on your mind other than snuggling with George.” He said._

 _“There always is.” She replied._

 _“Want to tell me about it.”_

 _“Why don’t you tell me about it?”_

 _“I'm not a psychic, Katya.”_

 _“I know that. I mean that you should tell me what's on your mind. I would love to know what you’re thinking at this exact moment.”_

 _Emily was tired of being the one to break herself open like a safe and reveal precious secrets. There were thoughts and feelings inside of Jason and she wanted him to express them. They stopped on the corner by a red light, Emily felt him sigh against her. It was a cold, rainy night…she was anxious to get home and into bed._

 _“I'm thinking about you.” Jason said. “I find I'm kind of boring that way.”_

 _“What way?” she asked_

 _“I'm frequently thinking about you.”_

 _She smiled. Damn he knew how to say the right thing. No, that was not true but he was pretty good at it; better than most. Now she wanted to hear the rest._

 _“I don't know Emily, there are so many thoughts running through my mind. It’s good to be back home. Time away was a good thing even if I went about it all wrong. I couldn’t hide forever; I had to come back. I had to live in the real world, the sometimes cruel and harsh real world. I've lost people, people I love…some were taken away from me in the worst way possible. Still I have so much and I don’t want to forget that anymore. I have you, for example. Somehow you still love me though I don’t know if I deserve it. I appreciate it and want it so much. I have to do it right this time Katya; I’m sure this is my last chance.”_

 _“What do you want to do right?” Emily asked._

 _“Everything. I want to be a loving, supportive friend and father. I want to be with you. I need to go back to work; there is a position at American University that has been offered to me in their Philosophy department. I've got some time to think things over, make decisions, but I want to have a normal life. I don’t want to chase or dream about demons anymore.”_

 _Emily stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and kissed him passionately. Jason smiled as their foreheads pressed together._

 _“Public displays of affection are…”_

 _“A sign of self-doubt.” She finished his thought._

 _“Absolutely not.” He kissed her again. “Stop listening to your mother.”_

 _“I did that a long time ago. It’s just going to take a little longer to purge everything. I love you, Jason.”_

 _“I love you,” he stroked her face. “I’m going to get this right.”_

 _“You're allowed to get things wrong…no one is perfect. You just can't leave me like that again. That’s a deal breaker, Gideon.”_

 _“No leaving; no deal breakers. I promise you.”_

 _They started walking again, holding hands. Emily sighed as his fingers slid against hers, relaxing her shoulder on his._

 _“You should make me a big dinner.” She said._

 _“Really?”_

 _“We actually have a whole weekend to ourselves. I want food.”_

 _“Yes ma'am. How does stuffed flounder on a bed of spinach and wild rice sound?” he asked._

 _“Mmm, wonderful.”_

 _“Then you shall have it my love.”_

 _Emily smiled thinking of what happened the first time he cooked for her. It was the night the whole ride started; she couldn’t get off now. She didn’t want to no matter where it ended. Jason was thinking the same thing._

 _“No leaving.” she repeated._

 _“Absolutely not.” He glanced at her and smiled._

 _“You promise?”_

 _“I will never hurt you like that again, Katya. This is where I belong; I know that now. I probably knew it then but…”_

 _Jason didn’t finish but he didn’t have to right now. They had a long time to talk about everything. They didn’t need to talk it into the ground, Emily was just glad they were talking about it at all. She loved walking with him, being close to him again, having him home. George definitely would not be her snuggle partner tonight. It looked as if he might have lost his job permanently._

***

“It’s been almost two months since I've seen you. Tell me how you’ve been, Emily.”

“I've been busy, which is half the reason I didn’t have a chance to schedule, cancel, and reschedule an appointment. I jumped at the chance to get squeezed in tonight. I'm so glad you could see me on such short notice.”

“You know that I never mind seeing you.”

Emily nodded, wearing a small smile. She was sitting on the couch of Dr. Rachel Howard, M.D. She had been Emily’s psychiatrist since her return to DC fourteen years ago. Emily was a firm believer in the power of therapy. She was a Prentiss after all…she needed therapy straight from the womb. Rachel had been there for some of the hardest times of her life. Emily always did her best to remember to call when things were good as well; it was only fair.

“How are Lavinia and Emma?”

“They are growing up too fast; in fifth and fourth grade now. Fin only wants to write with pens and Emma has begun violin lessons. She has also declared she will be a documentary filmmaker when she grows up. I'm not entirely sure she knows what that means.” Emily smiled. “They are doing better than even I could hope. They still miss their father everyday but we are all adjusting to our new life. We hold on to each other.”

“So what brought you here today?” Rachel asked.

“My birthday is in three days.” Emily replied, sipping her Lady Grey tea. “I never mind birthdays, like them actually, but this will be my first one without Jason in twelve years. He came home on my 37th birthday.”

“I remember that. Was he a big birthday person as well?”

“Not really,” she laughed. “He sometimes let my enthusiasm grab hold of him…I used to love that. They were usually low-key affairs with cake, ice cream, family, and friends. He went a little overboard for 40 and promised to do the same for 50.”

“What are you going to do this year, Emily?”

She shrugged. Normally she would be overjoyed to have her birthday fall over a weekend but things were insane. Hotch wasn’t even in town; he was at a week long conference on hostage negotiation in New Orleans and would not be home until next Tuesday. They managed to really start speaking again after his request for time and space. There was still a strain there, a disconnect, and as much as she wanted to Emily was not sure how to fix it.

When she would hug him or touch him, their love for each other was obvious. Didn’t he know that it scared her as much as it did him? They both went back behind the protective shield of friendship without discussing it any further. Maybe it was for the best but that did nothing to mend Emily’s cracked heart. She hoped he called while away, she missed the sound of his voice. She missed him, terribly.

“I just want a quiet one. We are all getting together at JJ and Dave’s around seven. Whatever it is, it will be a surprise. I’ll be happy just being surrounded by the people I love the most for one more year. But Hotch won't be there so…”

“How is Aaron?” Rachel asked.

“I'm not entirely sure.”

“Is his new position as Section Chief preventing you from spending time together?”

“All that promotion got him was a raise, more paperwork, and less travel. We um…”

“When?” Rachel asked.

“You can read my thoughts now?” Emily raised an eyebrow.

“I'm your psychiatrist, Emily. It’s not as if you haven’t sat on this couch and talked to me about Aaron Hotchner for the past 15 years almost.”

“Really?”

“You’ve been friends for a long time. You were more than friends for a brief period of time and now…why don’t you tell me about now. Do you love him, Emily?”

“Of course I do, he is my best friend. Hotch and I have been through so much together. He is the one who never left my side. When it got dark, scary, bloody, he was there. I mean, all of my friends are like family but Hotch…”

“What about Hotch?” Rachel pressed.

“He’s just…he is very special. I don’t want to lose him. I will do anything to stop that from happening.”

“Why would that happen?”

“I'm going to be 49 years old on Saturday. I damn sure should be past the point where I let some sex thing ruin one of the strongest relationships in my life. Jason is gone; I won't lose Aaron.”

“So you're just friends?” Rachel asked.

“I don't know.” Emily shrugged. “The lines are so blurry Rachel. The lines have been blurry since Jason and Haley walked out on us. Jason came back; Haley didn’t. I don’t regret a moment I spent with Jason. We didn’t have forever so I’m grateful for every moment we shared. Perhaps now…”

“I think you and Aaron need to have a serious talk. I think you know that as well. What do you want to say to him?”

“If I knew that I would be talking to him right now and not you. Hotch is the kind of guy, once he makes up his mind that’s it. It’s how he survives; I understand that. I won't ask him to risk me.”

“Risk you?” Rachel asked.

“What if this is some rebound thing?” Emily countered. “I can't do that to him. I won't do that to myself.”

“So you think that one day, soon perhaps, you won't have these feelings anymore? You don’t at least suspect that you’ve had these feelings for a very long time?”

“I don’t even know what I'm feeling half the time. Wrapping Hotch up in this quagmire is really unfair. He has been too good to me to be treated that way.”

“Do you feel as if you owe him anything for being your friend all these years, Emily? Do you think he feels that way? What if he feels the same strong feelings you do?”

Emily thought about that. She thought about it as she lie awake at night holding her cell phone and just wanting to call him. Parts of her wanted it to go back to the way it was. She needed her best friend by her side. Other parts thought this could be real. It felt so damn real sometimes. They were in a no man’s land, maybe they always had been. Clearing her throat, she looked at her watch.

“I should probably go. I've already gone a little over my hour.” She said.

“You can stay and talk a little more if you’d like, Emily. I am not pushing you out the door; I never have.”

“I know, it’s just that things have been crazy for a while. I need to get home to my kids. I want to check homework assignments and talk about their day. I really want to do more mommy stuff. Can I set up another appointment while I'm here though?”

“Of course.” Rachel smiled, getting up from her chair and going over to her desk. She leafed through her calendar. “Today is October ninth; how does the 23rd sound?”

“Great, if I'm in town.” Emily took the appointment card.

“If not, just call me. You know we can talk over the phone; we've done it before. You have my cell number so don’t be afraid to use it.”

Emily nodded. She wanted to talk to Rachel again after she sat down and thought about what was happening. She slipped the card into her pocketbook, said goodnight, and walked out to the elevator. Inside she turned on her cell phone, waiting for it to warm up. One missed call. Emily hit the center button, staring at the name…Hotch. She listened to the voicemail and couldn’t help the smile spreading across her face.

“Hey you. I was thinking about you and wanted to call. I must be the most boring man on Earth because nothing in the Big Easy is entertaining me. I would rather be at home, having you drag me away from a mountain of paperwork. Anyway, if you get this message tonight call me back. I'm a little concerned that your phone is off but I promise not to call around and scare the hell out of everyone else for nothing. Talk soon, bye.”

Walking to her car, Emily pressed 3 to return the call and listened to it ring.

“Hey there.” His voice sounded tired but happy.

“Hi…I didn’t mean to scare you earlier. I've been thinking about you too.”

***

 _Strumming my pain with his fingers  
Singing my life with his words  
Killing me softly with his song  
Killing me softly with his song  
Telling my whole life with his words  
Killing me softly…with his song_

Emily swayed to the sweet, melodic voice of Lauryn Hill; it took a few moments for her to feel the vibration of her iPhone. She looked at the text message, it was from Hotch. He was right outside. Smiling, she went to the front door and opened it. There he stood on her porch, holding a white box. He was dressed in black slacks and a blue shirt…this was casual Hotch.

“I'm sorry I missed your birthday.” He said.

“Get in here,” She took his hand and gently pulled him over the threshold. “You can make it up to me.”

“That’s what the box is for.” He kissed her cheek. “It’s a really lovely evening.”

“What did you say?” Emily asked.

“It’s a really lovely evening.”

She nodded, remembering where she’d heard that before.

“Come and have a drink. JJ bought me a great bottle of Chateau Ste. Michelle; I just opened it.”

Hotch followed her into the den. Music played on the stereo; two wine glasses sat on the table. Emily poured the wine and handed it to him.

“How about a toast?” He sat down beside her on the couch. “A happy belated birthday to Emily; a wonderful, strong, brave, and beautiful woman who deserves all the happiness she can grab with both hands. If all of your wishes haven’t yet come true, there is still some time left.”

“Thank you. How was New Orleans?”

“The symposiums were informative and my two nights had healthy showings. Still, I was bored out of my skull. It’s been a long time since I traveled without a team. Hey, open your box.”

Emily sat her glass down and put the box in her lap. She stole a look at Hotch; he smiled and pushed her on with his eyes.

“Oh my God Hotch, this is gigantic. Is this all for me?”

“Well I thought you might share it with Fin and Emma. Are they here?”

“Mmm hmm, sound asleep. Fin wanted to wait up for you but I told her I didn’t know what time you would get here; she has to be up for school in the morning. What kind of cupcake is this?”

“Double chocolate with butter cream icing and vanilla cream inside. There is no point in having a gigantic cupcake for your birthday if it’s not your favorite.” He said.

“You're not going to get much argument out of me on that. Thank you so much. Will you share it with me?”

“As long as its not tonight. Jack made his first solo dinner and I'm stuffed.”

“Did he?” Emily asked. “What did you two have?”

“Pasta and chicken in a creamy parmesan sauce. I think he got the gift from his Uncle Sean; it was delicious.” Hotch sighed and looked at her. “I missed you while I was away, Em. I wanted to call more but it got busy. I wasn’t entirely sure what to say.”

“You can say whatever you want. That’s always been the way we do it.”

Hotch nodded but he didn’t say anything else. Emily stood suddenly, taking her glass of wine from the table.

“I'm going to have a smoke. Join me.”

“I need to somehow convince you to quit that.” Hotch stood as well.

“Everyone is allowed a vice, Hotch.” She took his hand as they walked through the kitchen and onto the back deck. Emily turned on the soft porch lights and leaned on the banister, damp from the rain.

“Do you need a sweater or something?”

Emily wore a pair of blue jeans and an FBI Academy tee shirt. Her feet were bare, her hair pulled up in an unceremonious bun. Hotch thought she was the most exquisitely beautiful woman he ever saw. It was on the tip of his tongue to say so.

“No, it’s beautiful out; even with the rain. I love this Indian summer…I don’t know if I am ready for another winter. Some of the rhododendrons on Emma’s bush are still blooming. She really adores them Hotch.”

“I'm glad.”

They were quiet for a while. They listened to the rhythmic sound of the rain on the retractable awning and enjoyed the closeness. Emily wanted to say so much but didn’t know where to start. Sometimes words weren't enough.

“I wish there were a sky full of stars tonight.” Hotch broke the silence.

“There is always a sky full of stars.” She replied.

“Well I wish we could see them.” He amended.

“Why?”

“A sky full of stars is the perfect backdrop when a man makes up his mind to tell a woman how much he loves her.”

For a fraction of a moment, Emily froze. She slowly blew the smoke from her mouth and listened to her heart thump in her ear. She needed it to calm down so she could hear every word he had to say.

“I probably should have told you a long time ago Emily, but the reasons I didn’t were satisfactory at the time. There was a time, once; I thought that might be our time. It wasn’t, but I know it is now.”

“How do you know?” She asked.

“I know because I’m in love with you. I've been in love with you for so long that it’s impossible to pretend anymore. I don’t know if the timing will ever be right…”

“Feeling that way can't be wrong.” She moved closer to him.

“That’s not true.” Hotch laughed gently. “True or false Emily, it’s still the way I feel.”

“Hotch, I love you too.” Emily threw her arms around him, careful not to burn him with the cigarette. “I didn’t know what to do, what to say, I mean…”

“Yeah,” He nodded, nuzzling her hair. “Exactly. I know how much you love Jason. I know how much I love Jason, and I never wanted to step on toes. I didn’t want the girls to be confused; I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I tried to walk away more times than I can count, but I couldn’t. You're my best friend Emily, no matter what happened I needed that to come first.”

“It has and it will. Let’s not become Harry and Sally.”

“Who? I'm sorry?”

Emily laughed, pulling away and taking one more puff of her clove before putting it out.

“It’s a long story.” She said.

“Those are my favorite.” Hotch pulled her close again, his arms moving around her. “Tell me all about it.”

“Tell me that you love me again. I can hardly believe that I'm hearing it.”

“You know that I love you; I always will?” he replied. “Do you believe we can be happy together?”

“Of course.” She kissed him. “Fate hands you circumstances, and sometimes they test you in ways you're sure you won't survive. Then you look and see that there are people who never left your side. They have doubts, fears, and maybe they are just as sure as you are that it’s all going to go to hell but they grab hold of you and run right into that fire. That’s always been you and me, Hotch. I had Jason for a moment, and I will never forget that beautiful moment and all we had but…you and me were always something special. That didn’t change when Jason came back to me; it won't change with him gone. We should probably take this slow though. It’ll work because it’s fate. No matter what, I believe that.”

Twelve years was slow enough for Hotch but he would obey her wishes. He gave her Eskimo kisses, sighing softly.

“I love you, Emily Prentiss, with all my heart and soul.”

“I love you, too.” Emily held onto him, unsure of how or when she would ever let go. Hotch led her back into the house. They sat together on the couch listening to music and sipping wine.

“There was something else I wanted to tell you.” Hotch said.

“What is it?”

“I got a call from Deputy Director Harris while I was in New Orleans. As of November 1st I will officially be an FBI Section Chief. Morgan will be the Unit Chief of the BAU.”

“Really? Well that took long enough.” Emily replied smiling.

They both knew from the experience of government red tape that it could have taken longer. Hotch had already been the “acting” Section Chief for nearly a year. The era of Erin Strauss over, there were plenty of higher ups who saw Hotch’s potential to move through the FBI ranks.

“I’m happy for the stability. I knew the job was mine but I'm happy just the same. I’ll be moving down to the 12th floor with the official change.”

“Well I have some news myself.” Emily said. “The FBI’s DC Missing Persons Unit is looking for a new chief. Morgan dared me to put my name in the running. I got the job; I start on February 1st.”

“You're leaving the BAU?” Hotch asked.

“I think its time. It’s been an amazing 13 years; the work fulfilled something in me. I just need to come home at night. I need to raise my daughters and spend time with my family. I can still get the bad guys...I don’t think that part of me will ever go away.”

Hotch nodded. With Emily in DC and him at Quantico there wouldn’t be the same whispers of fraternization. Even if he was technically still her boss, Hotch did not plan to let anything stop him from pursuing this relationship. Changes were coming to their lives and he wanted to experience and enjoy them together. He took her hand and pulled another box from his pocket.

“Happy birthday.”

“What did you do?” Emily asked.

“I can always take it back.” Hotch replied.

“Can I open it before we make that decision?”

“Nope.” When he grinned, his dimples shone through.

“Alright, I’ll take my chances.”

She smiled too and Hotch handed over the slim box. Emily pulled off the top and saw the diamond bracelet.

“Oh my God, it’s beautiful. Hotch…”

“I didn’t go overboard, did I? I know you don’t wear a lot of jewelry, just your special pieces but…”

“This is special.” Emily took his face in her hands, kissing him. “I love it, thank you. I won't take it off.”

Hotch smiled, kissing the inside of her wrist before putting on the bracelet. He put his arms around her, content to hold onto her and just relax until it was time to go home. He didn’t know how long they were going to lie there and he surely wasn’t checking his watch every few minutes. It felt good to have Emily close, to feel her and to know she didn’t want to be anywhere else.

“If I don’t go soon, I won't want to.” He whispered.

“I'm not asking you to.” Emily replied.

“That’s good news but I probably should.” Hotch kissed her. “You don’t want to give me a reason to stay.”

“Don’t I?”

“I won't be able to control myself, I'm sure.”

Emily laughed, kissing him again. She got up from the couch and pulled him up. They walked to the front door with their arms around each other. Standing there for a while, Hotch and Emily still held on. This was right, it felt right, and nothing was going to convince either one of them otherwise. That didn’t mean it would be perfect or without its share of setbacks. Good things were worth fighting for.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said, raising an eyebrow when Emily laughed.

“We’ve been saying that for so many years.” She said. “Sometimes it’s hard to remember my life before you were a part of it.”

“I feel the same way. Kiss the girls for me.”

“I will. Text me when you're home safely.”

“Alright,” Hotch opened the door. “oh, and you owe me a story.”

“What?” Emily asked.

“Harry and Sally?”

“Oh.” She laughed. “It’s going to be interesting.”

“I look forward to it. Goodnight, Em.”

“Goodnight.”

She kissed his lips, watching until he was in his car and out of the driveway. Emily closed the door and leaned on it. Another chapter had begun. She didn’t know what was going to happen but there was an excitement coursing through her as Emily thought about eagerly turning the pages to see how the plot would thicken. Returning to the den, she sat on the couch and refreshed her wine. Emily grabbed her iPhone and pressed 2.

“Hey,” JJ sounded cheerful when she answered the line.

“I am about to flail like a woman half my age and then worry like a woman a little bit older. Do you have time to listen?” Emily asked.

“I always do. Will this be a good thing?”

“I know it will, but I have to get this part out of the way first.”

They talked for over an hour and Emily knew the course her life would take over the next few months was significant. She could love again, would love again, but it wouldn’t change the love already experienced. That love made Emily who she was now; it made her capable of taking this new journey. Her losses knocked her down but never out. There was more life to live and Emily Prentiss was ready to grasp it with both hands. She was just past the middle of quite an exciting story.

***


End file.
